Is it really ICLW time already?! Yikes. Time has flown by!
HAPPY ICLW EVERYONE and WELCOME!
A quick warning:
I'm foul mouthed.
I'm slightly bitter. (hehe)
While I love to speak my mind I tend reserve extreme harshness for my blog.
I'm slightly mortified that people I know IRL read this (mainly for the foul mouthed and bitter reasons).
I love to read but rarely comment on blogs. Sorry peeps. I'm working on getting better hence signing up for ICLW.
Thanks to all that have commented. I really do see this as a great source of support. <3
Now on to other things. I'm a little weird. Did I not add that in the above list? Crap. Sorry peeps. I'm sitting here (on the bathroom rug in front of my little space heater. Yes. Space heater. I like my bathroom toasty but the bedroom cool. Weird. I know. Haha) wrapped up in two big towels post shower blogging from my phone. I consider this almost a calm before the storm each morning. A few minutes of peace and quiet by myself the day begins.
Today is definitely going to be a trip. LTL and I have our 'intake interview' with an agency this morning. This could be where we decide to continue forward with them or we decide to part ways. I'm a little nervous. Nervous enough that my stomach was upset most of yesterday and I had a horrific pounding headache. I shouldn't be nervous but it's one of those things where I'm terrified that they won't accept us. If course there are other agencies but this one has a better fee range, doesn't charge the fee based on the race of the baby and it just felt better. So I guess we'll see. Our interview is in 2 hours.
On slightly related news AF showed up last week. For about a day. Maybe two. Horrific cramping but short lived. I'm unsure what to make of it. My heart cried out to POAS but my mind was more reasonable and stated all the reasons I couldn't be knocked up. There was a bit of debate between the two. It kinda sucked. In the end my mind won. I didn't POAS and I don't have any intention to in the near future.
So with AF showing up I need to decide if I should call my dr. I had cramps mid cycle. Ah hell let's be real. I had cramps almost every day until 2 days after AF showed. One night they woke me up and I debated waking LTL to take me to an urgent care. Now, I was on BC for the past 3 months in hopes of controlling cramps but clearly it didn't work. So while I'd like to call my dr I really don't want to in case he wants surgery which he already mentioned last time we spoke. This is where the possible endo diagnosis comes in. He's not 100% sure that's what it is and said he'd want to do surgery to make sure. My biggest worry? What if it's all in my head? Ironically I'm not concerned about having an actual diagnosis I'm worried about a lack of diagnosis.
Welp. I've got to get ready for the interview and work. Hope everyone has a great morning! I'll pop back on with a post interview update.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
**addition to post**
Intake interview went great. We're good to proceed with more paperwork. :) I'm nervous but happy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Lame
Ok I must be messed up. I'm pretty sure I'm one of few people who can't even bear to hold the new baby. It's fucked up. I feel like such a weirdo.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Outcast
This is intended to be short post as I'm exhausted and have to be up way too early for my own liking tomorrow and I've already begun sipping my nighttime tea but we'll see....
I think it was about a month after we moved in that I got my first snide comment about my tattoos while laying out by the pool. I blew it off for the most part but it still gets me from time to time. Shortly after that I was informed that a semi prominent woman in our women's church group had decided my name was too much work to use and began calling me 'that girl with the tattoos'. I think that soured me on the church group and I have only been to those meetings/classes a few times since.
I made an effort with my neighbors when we first moved in and I tried for a while. I really did. Then LTL left for 9 weeks with the Air Force and only a couple people said anything to me. The church I attend makes a big deal about checking on the other church members. There are even designated people for it. None of my designated people called/texted/emailed/facebooked/dropped by. I felt completely alone in a large condo complex with lots of people around me. There I was 45 minutes away from my family, off my last failed cycle of clomid, missing my husband like crazy and practically sobbing on my way home each night dreading being in our condo alone.
Here's where I'd love to say things have changed.
It hasn't. Not one single bit. As I was walking my pups alone tonight I looked up at the sky and remembered driving 'home' with LTL for the first time. We opened the sunroof on his Civic and saw the brilliant stars. Where we live there aren't a lot of city lights and it's beyond easy to see different constellations. It was amazing that first night. I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be. I felt we had a purpose out here. I was so naive. So tonight as the dogs and I ended our walk I stopped by our building and looked up at the sky. A few clouds were scattered above but there those stars were, as obvious as ever and almost taunting me. So I searched for a shooting star to make my wish.. it didn't happen.. of course it didn't.. and as I stood there with tears fillings my eyes I was reminded that no matter how many people live around me, I am alone in this neighborhood. LTL and I are alone. We will always be the outcasts here with our lack of kid(s) and our abundance of tattoos. A new project for me is to begin to accept this. Again. I thought I had once before but just like everything else, it's come back to bite me in the ass.
I think it was about a month after we moved in that I got my first snide comment about my tattoos while laying out by the pool. I blew it off for the most part but it still gets me from time to time. Shortly after that I was informed that a semi prominent woman in our women's church group had decided my name was too much work to use and began calling me 'that girl with the tattoos'. I think that soured me on the church group and I have only been to those meetings/classes a few times since.
I made an effort with my neighbors when we first moved in and I tried for a while. I really did. Then LTL left for 9 weeks with the Air Force and only a couple people said anything to me. The church I attend makes a big deal about checking on the other church members. There are even designated people for it. None of my designated people called/texted/emailed/facebooked/dropped by. I felt completely alone in a large condo complex with lots of people around me. There I was 45 minutes away from my family, off my last failed cycle of clomid, missing my husband like crazy and practically sobbing on my way home each night dreading being in our condo alone.
Here's where I'd love to say things have changed.
It hasn't. Not one single bit. As I was walking my pups alone tonight I looked up at the sky and remembered driving 'home' with LTL for the first time. We opened the sunroof on his Civic and saw the brilliant stars. Where we live there aren't a lot of city lights and it's beyond easy to see different constellations. It was amazing that first night. I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be. I felt we had a purpose out here. I was so naive. So tonight as the dogs and I ended our walk I stopped by our building and looked up at the sky. A few clouds were scattered above but there those stars were, as obvious as ever and almost taunting me. So I searched for a shooting star to make my wish.. it didn't happen.. of course it didn't.. and as I stood there with tears fillings my eyes I was reminded that no matter how many people live around me, I am alone in this neighborhood. LTL and I are alone. We will always be the outcasts here with our lack of kid(s) and our abundance of tattoos. A new project for me is to begin to accept this. Again. I thought I had once before but just like everything else, it's come back to bite me in the ass.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Throwing a party
A pity party to be exact. A pity party for myself. Wow I feel even more lame after typing that.
I've felt like nothing has gone right this past week or so and ironically I feel even worse for thinking that. I'm very fortunate and I lose sight of that when things start to go 'wrong'. My husband is the best I could ever ask for he puts up with me when I doubt anyone else could, my family is great and supportive, my in laws are awesome, I'm really enjoying my job and we have a roof over or head and dependable cars. Why is it so easy to lose sight of the basics?
In the past couple weeks I don't think I can even count how many times my eyes filled with tears or how many times I had that all too familiar tightening in my chest/throat. Anxiety has been in full swing and it's been bad enough at times that I wonder if I need to chat up my dr about this but then worry that the agency may think of it thus continuing a vicious cycle of worrying. Haha.
Sorry for the jumping around, I typed part of this earlier today so my train of thought shifted, obviously.
I guess I just needed an outlet today to declare to myself that I am finally acknowledging that I can't take all this. It feels like I've bitten off too much to chew. I can't keep caring so much about everything. It's eating away at me. My stomach has been in turmoil hurting every day and my sleep has suffered as I wake up every couple hours. I NEED to find a way to cope with the fact that most of my friends have kids/are having babies. I need to find a way to be around the in laws with the baby and make eye contact. I need to find a way to control my jealousy of them being able to be parents without a 3rd party checking their credentials. Even as I type this my throat feels tight. :-( so I'm gonna peace out.
I hope everyone's week is going well!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I've felt like nothing has gone right this past week or so and ironically I feel even worse for thinking that. I'm very fortunate and I lose sight of that when things start to go 'wrong'. My husband is the best I could ever ask for he puts up with me when I doubt anyone else could, my family is great and supportive, my in laws are awesome, I'm really enjoying my job and we have a roof over or head and dependable cars. Why is it so easy to lose sight of the basics?
In the past couple weeks I don't think I can even count how many times my eyes filled with tears or how many times I had that all too familiar tightening in my chest/throat. Anxiety has been in full swing and it's been bad enough at times that I wonder if I need to chat up my dr about this but then worry that the agency may think of it thus continuing a vicious cycle of worrying. Haha.
Sorry for the jumping around, I typed part of this earlier today so my train of thought shifted, obviously.
I guess I just needed an outlet today to declare to myself that I am finally acknowledging that I can't take all this. It feels like I've bitten off too much to chew. I can't keep caring so much about everything. It's eating away at me. My stomach has been in turmoil hurting every day and my sleep has suffered as I wake up every couple hours. I NEED to find a way to cope with the fact that most of my friends have kids/are having babies. I need to find a way to be around the in laws with the baby and make eye contact. I need to find a way to control my jealousy of them being able to be parents without a 3rd party checking their credentials. Even as I type this my throat feels tight. :-( so I'm gonna peace out.
I hope everyone's week is going well!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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