So sorry

I've been downright awful at blogging lately. I've been reading others blogs though! And trying somewhat unsuccessfully to comment. I'm getting to it though. I've taken to reading while at my allergy shot appts. The only downside is on Tuesdays when I go I am all dosed up on Benadryl and I swear half the time I doze off while waiting for my 30 min to be up. Haha.

I don't have much to update honestly. We got more info on the 18 month old... I've decided to refer to the 18 month old as JD. It's gender neutral..right? Haha. I picked JD because of the show Scrubs. Not only is it the main characters name (Zach B) but it's also Dr Cox's daughter's name. I found it fitting.

ANYWHO, JD's mom goes to court the first week of next month and we're kind of just waiting to see what happens. We can't do much without the go ahead from the case worker and naturally she doesn't want much, if anything to do with us at this point. I can't help but think that the mom will maintain custody. Or if JD is taken away from her it wil only be for a short amount of time. Deep down I want to believe that she'll change for JD. That she'll do whatever it takes to make things better and keep JD safe. LTL kind of feels the same way. We're not too hopeful about the situation at this point. I think if we were to get hopeful we'd end up being crushed.
So, we're still moving very slowly ahead with the agency. Trying to get all our paperwork done. Currently waiting on a couple Drs to fill out papers then we should be good to move into the next phase. Which is... more papers! Wahoooo! haha. At least it'll all be worth it.
As far as the social diet thing goes, I've been fairly successful in limiting my exposure. (BTW THANKS FOR ALL THE KIND WORDS IN REGARDS TO THAT CRAPPY SITUATION!) At some point I 'un-hid' people on FB and have begun to 'hide' them again. It's just too much.
Tonight I want to start back running. Can't really do it outside as the weather here still sucks. I actually had to scrape my windows this morning which made me kinda pissed at 6:30am. So it'll be indoors on a treadmill. I'd like to get back into shape asap and be able to train for a marathon or a half marathon. Plus, let's be real... I'm depressed and need to get my ass out of this funk. I spend the majority of my time chilling with my dogs and avoiding most of my neighbors. Mean I know but I just don't have anything in common with the majority of them..really. Most of them are all about their kids/babies/pregnancy which they SHOULD be. I'm not complaining about that. I think it's only right that they chose those as priorities, I'd do the same thing.. Hell, I did when LTL came home from Tech School. Told my friends to not even ask to see me until he had been home a few months. Ooops.. Train running off the track. Hehe. I need to get back into running for my sanity and I'm hoping tonight is the night I am motivated enough to do so. I figure a couple days of running then I'll start on the Insanity DVDs we bought. I did the little fit test and I swear it just about killed me but I LIKED IT! There is just 1 day where I can't really work out so I'll have to modify a schedule. Tuesdays I get my shot and can't work out for 2ish hours after and since I've been having rather large reactions I'd prefer to not run at all that night.

I've gone from a lack of posts to a major run-on post. Sorry bout that peeps!

OOOOOOOH one last thing, I'm super glad it's NIAW. There is an IF conference/event/etc on Saturday that I'm going to with my SIL and we're gonna head out to lunch after. I'm really excited. She's pretty timid with all this and I think she's still in the 'woe is me I can't do anything' phase so I'm stoked to get her involved with things. I think it'll help her. Plus they're doing some pretty bad ass giveaways that I wouldn't mind winning. I don't know that I'd actually use it but they're giving away a certificate for half off an IVF cycle and a few other treatment certificates, another being accupuncture (that I'd be willing to try just to get my body on it's normal cycle!). :)

Hope everyone is having a great week. I'm off to comment!

HAPPY ICLW!

WELCOME!
I know I'm a day late welcoming people buuut, things are crazy right now.
Our TTC timeline i off to the right.
I absolutely promise I'll do a legit post when I get back home this afternoon. I'm currently waiting for my half hour to be up at the allergy shot place then it's off to do my hair and my brother in laws. :)
Happy Friday all!

Sundays are sometimes worse than Mondays...

So about 10 min after I posted the previous post I had a nice little breakdown at the family Easter dinner. I feel like I should celebrate seeing as how it was my first breakdown in front of that many family members. What makes it 'EXTRA' special is the fact that it wasn't even my family. It was LTL's.

Here's what happened.. or at least my version.

My in laws decided to do the Easter dinner and egg hunt yesterday out of convenience. Whatev. No biggie. We met with Grandma W earlier that day to discuss the little 18 month old so emotions were already present. (He has a sad story that I'm sure anyone would get teary eyed over) By the time we got to the Aunt and Uncles house emotions had settled and we felt pretty damn good about things. I was laughing and enjoying talking with peeps.
Dinner was perfect. LTL and I sat ouside at a table with mainly kids. I think the youngest is 7 or 8 so they were a blast. The weather was a little cold so after we ate we went inside to warm up and I kid you not the first thing I heard was 'I don't know if any other parents....blah blah blah' Ok. Whatev. No biggie. I blew it off. We went to sit on the couch and LTL asked if it would bother me if he held 'the' baby. I said no I think I'm doing better with all that and I did really well for about 20 min. Then the parents came over and other people came over and 100% of the talk was about how great their child is and how wonderful it was that they caught such and such on video. They're so 'proud', they can't wait to do this and that with the baby and they bought this and can't wait till the baby is big enough to wear it.
THAT'S when I lost it. I slowly turned to LTL and whispered 'I can't take it anymore.. I have to sit somewhere else'. So I got up and left to sit by the SIL going through IF who was near my MIL. She could tell I was upset, asked if I was ok and I lost it. Had to go into another room and had a mini cry fest. (With my MIL) She was GREAT and super nice and didn't even blink when I busted out the F word. She stayed with me for a bit then after I calmed down she went and must have given LTL hint to come grab me.
I've been SOOOOO good about not having a breakdown in front of people. Especially family. I really do try to keep my feelings in check. I didn't want others to feel like they can't say things in front of me. Well I failed yesterday. I assume the other couple noticed and ya know.. I just don't care anymore. I can only take so much of that stuff. It felt like it was being thrown in my face. They know I have a hard time with all that and LTL has even told the husband. I guess what makes me more bummed is the fact that they knew and didn't care. I really don't know where to go from here. It's like now that they have the baby they're at every family function. Which fine, whatever. They should be. I guess. It just means I need to go on a social diet. Limiting my exposure to those things that are hazardous to my health and well being. I doubt LTL will have a problem with me taking a step back from things. Apparently I worried him a bit last night. He admitted that it's harder on me than it is on him. So at least he understands enough to be sympathetic.
So there's the most recent update on my sanity.. or lack thereof.

HAPPY MONDAY! haha

We are....

Cautiously moving forward to gain information on fostering then adopting a little boy in our extended family. This has potential to be great for all involved. :) I'm excited and super scared. We're just barely in the info stage so my excitement is premature and we could end up crushed. In fact with all that's happen I expect to be crushed. It feels inevitable.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hello there

Sorry, I've been MIA for a while. Still reading others blogs but seriously neglecting my own. (and seriously sucking at commenting) Just haven't felt like I have anything of value to say but I think I'll try. Bear with me as I update? Haha.
Things feel stagnant in my life. We got accepted as clients and are trying really hard to dive into the paperwork but between our work schedules and me getting pretty sick last week not much has happened. I've been able to take care of a couple things but I'm finding it hard to get my butt to our RE to have him sign our IF paperwork. Which I'll admit I'm not stoked on needing to do seeing as I'm not feeling like reliving all that crap. :-/ But. Our agency requires it.
Work has been great. Still loving being away from the salon scene. I got to go to California for some training so LTL came along. It was a nice little escape. I just wish it were longer so we're trying to make some vacation plans this summer. Nothing major. Just a couple little getaways. We need it.
I got a random call last night from my MIL. Why she calls me instead of her son I'm not sure. Haha. But oh well. She called to let me know that a semi distant family member was probably going to have their 18 month old little boy taken away. I'm not sure whats happening to mom but dad is getting incarcerated. They've had their other 2 kids taken away. So here's really why she called.. The grandmother (that we also all call Grandma 'W') wants to know if we would be interested in talking to the lawyer involved. I'm not sure if it would be a foster with intent to adopt or a straight forward private adoption. I think child welfare services (DCFS) is involved. So I'm torn. LTL says he's fine with anything but is just concerned because he knows I want an infant. Which I have said I wanted but I almost think this could be awesome. We'd be able to help this little one and keep him in fairly close contact with those that already love and adore him while allowing us to be parents. Last night I told LTL that I didn't think I was being rational as my MIL told me that if we didn't say yes she'd ask 'the other couple' and that hurt. For lots of reasons. Sometimes I feel like her trying to help is only self serving. SHE wants to be a grandma and that's all that matters. I get it. Kinda. But I wish I felt like she was doing these type of things in OUR best interest and in the best interest of this child.
So here are my thoughts now that almost 12 hours have passed.
*I want to email our social worker and discuss the potential 'repercussions' with the agency of us fostering this child (assuming that is what it is and we don't get to adopt him). I know if we were allowed to adopt him they'd close out our info and everything. (She told us that when we met.)
*I want to talk to Grandma W and see what the situation is.
*A chat with the lawyer would be grand to get an overall idea of how this would/could work.
*We'd need to call our insurance company and see if they'd cover him under the different circumstances.
*A chat with DCFS if possible to get a better understanding of what little dude has been through and what to expect with his mental health. (assuming they've done an evaluation) I don't want this to be traumatic for him and if we got to adopt him I want to be prepared to help him as much as possible.
*As much as I want to be a mom I'm worried that I'd say yes for the wrong reasons. I don't like thinking that my 'wants' could get in the way of whats really best for a child.
Annnd now that I've said/typed all this I'm even more confused as to what we should do. It's going to be a LONG Tuesday.