I'm a couple days late posting this.. SORRY! Life has kind of gotten crazy as I've been working 2 jobs and it's been 6 days a week and will continue to be that way for another week or so. Yikes!
Thanks everyone for all the support on my last post. I'm still trying to come to terms with it all but it's a VERY slow process.
On to ICLW - This is my very first time and so far I am LOVING it. I never knew just how much support and caring there would be. Everyone I have encountered has been AMAZING!!
Here's a little background and I mean LITTLE background info me and LTL (hubs). We were married 6/2008 and began TTC around 10/2008. I guess our TTC was more of leaving it up to 'chance' the first couple months.. it wasn't until 1/2010 that we finally gave up hope with our ob/gyn and headed to an RE. Testing began and we ended up with the knowledge that LTL had a sperm count of ZERO. I was recently kind of diagnosed (he wanted to wait to do a scope) with endo. Not sure how severe it is but I hurt like no other. I also lack ovulation skills. Basically we are a perfect match haha. We're ok with it though and we are beginning the adoption process. YAY!
I saw this on someone else's blog and thought I'd do something similar.
RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
1- I LOVE LOVE LOVE Biology and Genetics.
2- I always said I never wanted to get married... Then along came LTL. I was hooked. :)
3- I am seriously allergic to dogs and cats but have 2 dogs that sleep on our bed. Haha.
4- The religion I claim does not condone tattoos... I am debating on finishing my arm tattoo and might make it into a half sleeve... I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. THe most recent addition to it says Sperare Semper which means hope always and has violet flowers around it. It was added on to the Star gazer lily and Calla lily I had done a year before.
5- I used to be a total punk. I'm talking spiky purple hair, chain necklaces, spikes, bondage pants, etc. It was hilarious and I wish I had pictures to document it. Hehe
6- My hubs is FOUR years younger than me but people have a tendency to think I'm younger than him. To their defense I do act younger than I am. Hehe. What can I say, I refuse to act 29.
7- I have been seriously craving jalapeno peppers these days. It's weird.
8- I love to bake but I hate to cook. I think it's because with baking it ends up being more about sharing with others. Delivering goodies to neighbors and family is fun. :)
9- While my all time favorite band is AFI (used to be pretty hard core but not so much lately) I have a serious soft spot for Otis Redding. That man can SING.
10- I love 80'smovies and music. Probably one reason for me loving Otis (Pretty In Pink)
11- Despite my deep running love of all things punk, I was teased for my serious love of Volvos. Haha. Apparently my badass self has always had a sensible grown up side. Currently, I rock a Jeep.. I'm addicted. SERIOUSLY.
12- I dislike camping. A lot. Yet in the past couple years I find myself wanting to plan camping trips.
13- I can tan even while wearing spf45 and higher. Yes even when I re-apply as directed and follow all the rules. I'll post a pic on here later.. I look Native American but I'm a European mutt. :) I love it though.
14- My oldest sister is 41. My mother in law is 45. It's funny.
15- My family is kinda random.
*Oldest sister - Works for the state. In their substance abuse and mental health department. Married her high school sweetheart. Their child, a product of their 2nd IVF. :)
*Next oldest sister - Works for the Government as well. Communications major/masters degree. Married a redneck who lacks the use of proper english. (Hehe). Their child - came after at least 1 miscarriage.
*Oldest brother - Pastry chef turned P.A. student. Married an AWESOME chick. Their 3 kids - All flipping great. Looks like he turned out to be the only fertile in the fam.
*Brother closest in age to me - AMAZING. Marine turned massage therapist turned Army guy. Still looking for his 'one'. He's so supportive of the whole family. It's great.
Me- Hair stylist turned biology/genetics major. :) We love to be random with our careers.
*Parents- Dad is a Biologist, he teaches at a college. Mom is a scientist of sorts.. used to work in a lab doing cancer research.
16- My dogs rock mohawks
17- While I type this my dogs are laying on my feet. Luckily they're small.
18- Recently became an Apple lover. It all started with an iPhone.
19- I often times cry during sappy commercials. hehe
20- I am a VERY loyal friend until given a reason to not be. Then I'll drop you like burning hot coals.
Sorry that's all I can come up with right now.. But hopefully it was kind of entertaining for some of you.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
So it happened
There is a new baby just added to the in law's side. LTL's cousin and his wife welcomed their baby on the 14th. He's the first grandchild and he arrived about 3 weeks early due to complications. Luckily both the mom and baby are doing fine despite the complications.
I should be happy about this.. right? I should want to go see them, right? I mean that's what a normal person would do, right? Then why the hell do I have absolutely NO DESIRE to see this baby? I'm feeling bitter and resentful and I don't know how to control it. I keep telling myself it's just because I've had such a long week and I'm really stressed (more on that later). But I kind of doubt it. I'll give a little backstory on the relationship between JW & RW (LTL's cousin and his wife) and DL & ML (LTL's bro and his wife( and us. It can seem slightly complicated so hold tight.. it should all make sense in the end.
LTL and I met the last part of September in '07. We clicked immediately. In November LTL moved in with his parents to save money and such (He was apparently getting ready to propose and had just bought my ring). He shared the basement with JW (cousin). The two pretty much grew up together. They were more like brothers than cousins. DL (brother) was also pretty close to them but had left to serve a mission for the church (LDS). We (LTL & JW & myself) all got along really well. We'd hang out together on occasion and we'd double and such. On December 25th 2007 LTL proposed and of course I said yes. We began planning our wedding. It was great. DL came home from his mission about a week or two before our wedding (yes it was planned that way). JW was dating this girl that was fun but kinda strange. DL was kind of seeing this girl that had written him while on his mission. We knew she'd be his wife, It was funny. So we got married the first part of June. By July 4th DL had proposed to ML (who is awesome but she is sadly going through IF treatment/testing as well. And as much as it sucks I'm grateful for it because she knows how I feel and I know how she feels and we can be supportive to each other during family things). Well DL and ML got married on October of '08. (Ironically it was right around that time that I stopped taking BC). At their reception JW brought RW. They were engaged shortly after and married in December '08. So there it is. You have 3 'brothers' all married within 6 1/2 months of each other. We thought it was cool at the time and made jokes about having anniversary trips together and really believed it'd happen. Now I know I will never travel with JW & RW. For multiple reasons..
Ok so ML and I finally realized after a while that we were both having trouble conceiving. I was already going through testing and such. I still had a good relationship with JW & RW and would talk to JW on a fairly regular basis. They were both really supportive when LTL was gone to BMT. Checking on me and whatnot. They both knew all that was going on with our IF and they knew how heartbreaking it had been each month when it didn't happen. In fact we were out to eat with them on late morning when I had to excuse myself to go take an ovulation test. The first one that came back positive and they saw first hand how exciting it was.
Fast forward to summer of '10. LTL was getting ready to leave for tech school. We knew we were headed for adoption. We were heartbroken at some of the results we'd received and everyone knew it was really hard on us. He left in June. He was set to return in early November or late October. The first Friday in August I contacted an agency. We had a birthmom that was semi interested in us. She was going through them. I explained the situation (LTL being stuck in TX) and they basically told us there was nothing they could do to help and she wouldn't be able to place with us. I was devastated. I cried. A LOT. Randomly after that phone call I received one from JW asking what was up. I explained and he was shocked. In the same conversation he said 'I sure hope we don't have trouble getting pregnant'. I switched from trying to calm myself down to try to be supportive of him. Stupid stupid me. (You'll read why in a little bit). So there I was drying my own tears with the sleeve of my hoodie trying to 'calm his nerves and worries'. I drove to pick up my dogs and went to my MIL's house. Explained what happened and she was great about it. Then I headed to work. Mind you LTL is gone and I'm trying my best to cope with all this.
I don't remember when it happened. I just remember it was after my experience with the agency. It could have been 2 weeks after as that sounds about right. I had gone to my in laws to pick up my dogs. (They puppy sat a lot during the day for me so the boys weren't locked up for long hours during the day) I remember my MIL sent me a text asking me to stay until they got home. I was in a so so mood. Work had been draining and I was tired. Turns out she wanted me to stay so I could eat with them. Very thoughtful. I should have left though as I had an uneasy feeling about the night.
She made delicious sandwiches. Roast beef, provolone and I don't remember what else. I got about halfway through it when her cell phone rang. It was JW. He directed her to go outside. They had left something for her and my FIL. The tone in her voice was weird as she opened the card. Her face dropped and she stared at me. I think deep down I knew what it was but I thought it couldn't be. He had just told me he hoped they didn't have issues like we did. She said these words, 'Well M3MU is here....Yeah' and she handed me the card. It had some cheesy ass saying of when does 1 + 1 = 3 on the outside. I opened it. Ya know what was inside? Any guesses? What's just about the cruelest thing to hand to someone who wants so desperately to have a baby?
A FUCKING ULTRASOUND PICTURE. No... wait.. there were THREE.
The next words out of my mouth were, 'you've got to be fucking kidding me.. Uhhh I mean congrats?' The first part was semi mumbled. My MIL was still on the phone with JW. I was in a daze. I remember that sandwich feeling really heavy in my stomach. I felt like I was choking. Eventually my MIL got off the phone. I thanked them for dinner and told them I'd be on my way home now. My MIL then said something I NEVER thought I'd hear from her.. 'Why leave? You're just gonna go home and cry. You should stay'. EXCUSE ME? Am I not allowed to feel hurt and betrayed? He should have told me himself. Not made me feel bad for them that day in early August. My response to her? 'Oh you really think I'll get home and cry? I don't expect to make it out of the driveway before I start sobbing' and with that I left.
I didn't even make it into my car. I cried the whole 30ish minutes home. LTL was miles and miles away and didn't at the time understand why it was so hard on me. It was horrible. I'm getting sick feeling even typing this and the tears are beginning to stream down my face.
I avoided all family functions JW & RW were to attend OR I made damn sure I had taken a Xanax. I finally told JW why I was avoiding them and his response was something like 'oh well'. So we all became very distant.
Just last month MIL told me that ML and I needed to throw RW a baby shower as JW doesn't have any sisters. I FREAKED. I told her there was no way I was going to do that. There was absolutely no way I could. I didn't even think I could attend one as I've been avoiding them like the plague for 2 1/2 years. We debated for a while and finally she gave up. So things are tense all the way around because of this situation.
Now JW & RW are parents. They've succeeded where LTL and I have failed on epic levels. They've been given the one thing that LTL and I truly want. (DL and ML want it as well)
JW was unemployed when RW got preg. She was working full time and he had no intention of finding a job. He's LAZY. I had a little chat with him one day and I think I'm one of the main reasons why he did... My sister's hub was unemployed when she was preg and when she gave birth to their daughter. One month she was back at work. We all resented him. She did as well. It has been a cause for tension in the family. He still only works part time. He's lazy. So after giving JW this info it was about a month and he found a job. I was so frustrated that they would try for a baby and succeed when he was FIRED from a job that he should have been able to keep, they are living in a small crappy apartment and just really not ready financially to care for a child. THEY are given the gift of a child and yet LTL and I have our own place, we're financially stable to care for a child, both have jobs that pay very well, have great supportive parents, and have an amazing marriage and we're denied by God or whatever higher power people opt to believe in? Bullshit I tell you. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I know those things don't matter. It's just a frustration I have. Especially because LTL and I are about to have every aspect of our lives investigated into and have to prove we can financially care for a child just to be given the opportunity to adopt. It's twisted and I feel sick just typing that.
So now what? How do I handle seeing them at family dinners and family functions? Do I stop going? Or only go if they won't be there? What do I do when all anyone wants to talk about is this new addition? How do I hold back tears? How do I keep my eyes from looking so sad? How do I move on?
I should be happy about this.. right? I should want to go see them, right? I mean that's what a normal person would do, right? Then why the hell do I have absolutely NO DESIRE to see this baby? I'm feeling bitter and resentful and I don't know how to control it. I keep telling myself it's just because I've had such a long week and I'm really stressed (more on that later). But I kind of doubt it. I'll give a little backstory on the relationship between JW & RW (LTL's cousin and his wife) and DL & ML (LTL's bro and his wife( and us. It can seem slightly complicated so hold tight.. it should all make sense in the end.
LTL and I met the last part of September in '07. We clicked immediately. In November LTL moved in with his parents to save money and such (He was apparently getting ready to propose and had just bought my ring). He shared the basement with JW (cousin). The two pretty much grew up together. They were more like brothers than cousins. DL (brother) was also pretty close to them but had left to serve a mission for the church (LDS). We (LTL & JW & myself) all got along really well. We'd hang out together on occasion and we'd double and such. On December 25th 2007 LTL proposed and of course I said yes. We began planning our wedding. It was great. DL came home from his mission about a week or two before our wedding (yes it was planned that way). JW was dating this girl that was fun but kinda strange. DL was kind of seeing this girl that had written him while on his mission. We knew she'd be his wife, It was funny. So we got married the first part of June. By July 4th DL had proposed to ML (who is awesome but she is sadly going through IF treatment/testing as well. And as much as it sucks I'm grateful for it because she knows how I feel and I know how she feels and we can be supportive to each other during family things). Well DL and ML got married on October of '08. (Ironically it was right around that time that I stopped taking BC). At their reception JW brought RW. They were engaged shortly after and married in December '08. So there it is. You have 3 'brothers' all married within 6 1/2 months of each other. We thought it was cool at the time and made jokes about having anniversary trips together and really believed it'd happen. Now I know I will never travel with JW & RW. For multiple reasons..
Ok so ML and I finally realized after a while that we were both having trouble conceiving. I was already going through testing and such. I still had a good relationship with JW & RW and would talk to JW on a fairly regular basis. They were both really supportive when LTL was gone to BMT. Checking on me and whatnot. They both knew all that was going on with our IF and they knew how heartbreaking it had been each month when it didn't happen. In fact we were out to eat with them on late morning when I had to excuse myself to go take an ovulation test. The first one that came back positive and they saw first hand how exciting it was.
Fast forward to summer of '10. LTL was getting ready to leave for tech school. We knew we were headed for adoption. We were heartbroken at some of the results we'd received and everyone knew it was really hard on us. He left in June. He was set to return in early November or late October. The first Friday in August I contacted an agency. We had a birthmom that was semi interested in us. She was going through them. I explained the situation (LTL being stuck in TX) and they basically told us there was nothing they could do to help and she wouldn't be able to place with us. I was devastated. I cried. A LOT. Randomly after that phone call I received one from JW asking what was up. I explained and he was shocked. In the same conversation he said 'I sure hope we don't have trouble getting pregnant'. I switched from trying to calm myself down to try to be supportive of him. Stupid stupid me. (You'll read why in a little bit). So there I was drying my own tears with the sleeve of my hoodie trying to 'calm his nerves and worries'. I drove to pick up my dogs and went to my MIL's house. Explained what happened and she was great about it. Then I headed to work. Mind you LTL is gone and I'm trying my best to cope with all this.
I don't remember when it happened. I just remember it was after my experience with the agency. It could have been 2 weeks after as that sounds about right. I had gone to my in laws to pick up my dogs. (They puppy sat a lot during the day for me so the boys weren't locked up for long hours during the day) I remember my MIL sent me a text asking me to stay until they got home. I was in a so so mood. Work had been draining and I was tired. Turns out she wanted me to stay so I could eat with them. Very thoughtful. I should have left though as I had an uneasy feeling about the night.
She made delicious sandwiches. Roast beef, provolone and I don't remember what else. I got about halfway through it when her cell phone rang. It was JW. He directed her to go outside. They had left something for her and my FIL. The tone in her voice was weird as she opened the card. Her face dropped and she stared at me. I think deep down I knew what it was but I thought it couldn't be. He had just told me he hoped they didn't have issues like we did. She said these words, 'Well M3MU is here....Yeah' and she handed me the card. It had some cheesy ass saying of when does 1 + 1 = 3 on the outside. I opened it. Ya know what was inside? Any guesses? What's just about the cruelest thing to hand to someone who wants so desperately to have a baby?
A FUCKING ULTRASOUND PICTURE. No... wait.. there were THREE.
The next words out of my mouth were, 'you've got to be fucking kidding me.. Uhhh I mean congrats?' The first part was semi mumbled. My MIL was still on the phone with JW. I was in a daze. I remember that sandwich feeling really heavy in my stomach. I felt like I was choking. Eventually my MIL got off the phone. I thanked them for dinner and told them I'd be on my way home now. My MIL then said something I NEVER thought I'd hear from her.. 'Why leave? You're just gonna go home and cry. You should stay'. EXCUSE ME? Am I not allowed to feel hurt and betrayed? He should have told me himself. Not made me feel bad for them that day in early August. My response to her? 'Oh you really think I'll get home and cry? I don't expect to make it out of the driveway before I start sobbing' and with that I left.
I didn't even make it into my car. I cried the whole 30ish minutes home. LTL was miles and miles away and didn't at the time understand why it was so hard on me. It was horrible. I'm getting sick feeling even typing this and the tears are beginning to stream down my face.
I avoided all family functions JW & RW were to attend OR I made damn sure I had taken a Xanax. I finally told JW why I was avoiding them and his response was something like 'oh well'. So we all became very distant.
Just last month MIL told me that ML and I needed to throw RW a baby shower as JW doesn't have any sisters. I FREAKED. I told her there was no way I was going to do that. There was absolutely no way I could. I didn't even think I could attend one as I've been avoiding them like the plague for 2 1/2 years. We debated for a while and finally she gave up. So things are tense all the way around because of this situation.
Now JW & RW are parents. They've succeeded where LTL and I have failed on epic levels. They've been given the one thing that LTL and I truly want. (DL and ML want it as well)
JW was unemployed when RW got preg. She was working full time and he had no intention of finding a job. He's LAZY. I had a little chat with him one day and I think I'm one of the main reasons why he did... My sister's hub was unemployed when she was preg and when she gave birth to their daughter. One month she was back at work. We all resented him. She did as well. It has been a cause for tension in the family. He still only works part time. He's lazy. So after giving JW this info it was about a month and he found a job. I was so frustrated that they would try for a baby and succeed when he was FIRED from a job that he should have been able to keep, they are living in a small crappy apartment and just really not ready financially to care for a child. THEY are given the gift of a child and yet LTL and I have our own place, we're financially stable to care for a child, both have jobs that pay very well, have great supportive parents, and have an amazing marriage and we're denied by God or whatever higher power people opt to believe in? Bullshit I tell you. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I know those things don't matter. It's just a frustration I have. Especially because LTL and I are about to have every aspect of our lives investigated into and have to prove we can financially care for a child just to be given the opportunity to adopt. It's twisted and I feel sick just typing that.
So now what? How do I handle seeing them at family dinners and family functions? Do I stop going? Or only go if they won't be there? What do I do when all anyone wants to talk about is this new addition? How do I hold back tears? How do I keep my eyes from looking so sad? How do I move on?
Friday, January 14, 2011
A brief post until my real post gets typed up
I don't know if I'll ever be able to hear about a pregnancy or birth of someone I know without feeling like a failure or without shedding a few tears because I feel sorry for myself (and LTL). LTL's cousin is in the hospital with his wife as she is in labor. More on all this later. Time to go to work.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Things I can't post on my other blog..
These things I can't post on my personal, private blog.....
So trying to work yesterday was total hell. My mind was completely wrapped up in the previous day's orientation. I had massive issues trying to pay attention to anything. Hopefully my clients couldn't tell too much! My mind is still racing.
I'm 99.9% set on adoption. I don't know why I let that itty bitty thought about donor sperm get into my mind. It's not like it will save us any money. I'd have to be on injectables since LTL isn't our only issue. (I don't know if I mentioned this before but I don't ovulate regularly... at all... and in September my Dr told me he's pretty sure I have Endo. So who knows if donor would have been a good idea anyway.)
So we filled out our paperwork and I hope to hand it back in soon. I'll call Monday and see if I need to drop it off in person or if I can mail it in. Our next step is our intake papers and interview. It's weird to think that they have to accept us even though we fit all their requirements. Makes me nervous. Like we won't be good enough. What if we don't mesh well with our case worker/social worker? What if he/she doesn't like us? It just makes me a little sick to my stomach. I still have a hard time thinking that our family's future depends on other people. It's something I would like to have a little more control over so I'm slowly learning and working on letting go of the reins.
LTL is absolutely great with all this. He's so calm about all this. I don't know if he's holding it in or if he's just that ok with it all. On Friday at lunch he just kept telling me things were ok and we'd be fine. I actually asked him if he thought our marriage could withstand all this (something that they talked about a LOT in the orientation) and his response was something like, 'well it better!' which put a smile on my face. I figure that if we can withstand his leaving for basic training for 8ish weeks then almost a year later leaving for 4 1/2+ months all while dealing with IF and a less than sane MIL and living in a neighborhood where we all too often feel like outcasts we'll be just fine. :) Maybe we just thrive in all this? No matter what happens I know I can count on him being supportive.
Random side note about work... I can't freaking wait to be done there. Of all the stupid things to get to me, yesterday a co-worker/'friend' made me feel like crap. We usually trade services and have for a while. She knows I need/want stuff done and she does too but schedules have been rough to mesh. So yesterday the first thing is she's acting like she's better than me. Or at least that's how it feels.. (please woman.... in no way are you better than me.. nor am I better than her). So I'm super quiet and not saying much. I'm sitting down and she's by me as is another person and right in front of me she tells the person she wants her to do the services instead of me. Whatever. It shouldn't bug me but it just made me feel like total crap. She didn't have to do it in front of me. It actually hurt my feelings which I hate to admit. Of course all this falls after she's done a few other things that make me question being friends/co-workers with her. Blah. This is one of many reasons why I have a hard time being friends with other women. Feelings get in the way. I'd tell her what I thought but I still have to work there for a while. I've had much better luck being friends with guys. It's point blank. If there is an issue you say it and get over it. There isn't dwelling on an issue as much... Ok I lied.. some of my guys friends are just plain bitches (pardon). They're drama. Good hell are they DRAMA. Lately I've distanced myself from them as well. I almost feel like I'm back in high school trying to 'clean house' on the friend list. BLAH...
Anywho. Gotta get off the laptop and get ready. I'm hoping I can snag a couple minutes with our someone in our church to discuss the adoption thing briefly.. and give a heads up that he'll have to give a letter of approval. *sigh* LTL is at drill so I'll be going alone.
Laters people. Hope you have a wonderful relaxing Sunday..
So trying to work yesterday was total hell. My mind was completely wrapped up in the previous day's orientation. I had massive issues trying to pay attention to anything. Hopefully my clients couldn't tell too much! My mind is still racing.
I'm 99.9% set on adoption. I don't know why I let that itty bitty thought about donor sperm get into my mind. It's not like it will save us any money. I'd have to be on injectables since LTL isn't our only issue. (I don't know if I mentioned this before but I don't ovulate regularly... at all... and in September my Dr told me he's pretty sure I have Endo. So who knows if donor would have been a good idea anyway.)
So we filled out our paperwork and I hope to hand it back in soon. I'll call Monday and see if I need to drop it off in person or if I can mail it in. Our next step is our intake papers and interview. It's weird to think that they have to accept us even though we fit all their requirements. Makes me nervous. Like we won't be good enough. What if we don't mesh well with our case worker/social worker? What if he/she doesn't like us? It just makes me a little sick to my stomach. I still have a hard time thinking that our family's future depends on other people. It's something I would like to have a little more control over so I'm slowly learning and working on letting go of the reins.
LTL is absolutely great with all this. He's so calm about all this. I don't know if he's holding it in or if he's just that ok with it all. On Friday at lunch he just kept telling me things were ok and we'd be fine. I actually asked him if he thought our marriage could withstand all this (something that they talked about a LOT in the orientation) and his response was something like, 'well it better!' which put a smile on my face. I figure that if we can withstand his leaving for basic training for 8ish weeks then almost a year later leaving for 4 1/2+ months all while dealing with IF and a less than sane MIL and living in a neighborhood where we all too often feel like outcasts we'll be just fine. :) Maybe we just thrive in all this? No matter what happens I know I can count on him being supportive.
Random side note about work... I can't freaking wait to be done there. Of all the stupid things to get to me, yesterday a co-worker/'friend' made me feel like crap. We usually trade services and have for a while. She knows I need/want stuff done and she does too but schedules have been rough to mesh. So yesterday the first thing is she's acting like she's better than me. Or at least that's how it feels.. (please woman.... in no way are you better than me.. nor am I better than her). So I'm super quiet and not saying much. I'm sitting down and she's by me as is another person and right in front of me she tells the person she wants her to do the services instead of me. Whatever. It shouldn't bug me but it just made me feel like total crap. She didn't have to do it in front of me. It actually hurt my feelings which I hate to admit. Of course all this falls after she's done a few other things that make me question being friends/co-workers with her. Blah. This is one of many reasons why I have a hard time being friends with other women. Feelings get in the way. I'd tell her what I thought but I still have to work there for a while. I've had much better luck being friends with guys. It's point blank. If there is an issue you say it and get over it. There isn't dwelling on an issue as much... Ok I lied.. some of my guys friends are just plain bitches (pardon). They're drama. Good hell are they DRAMA. Lately I've distanced myself from them as well. I almost feel like I'm back in high school trying to 'clean house' on the friend list. BLAH...
Anywho. Gotta get off the laptop and get ready. I'm hoping I can snag a couple minutes with our someone in our church to discuss the adoption thing briefly.. and give a heads up that he'll have to give a letter of approval. *sigh* LTL is at drill so I'll be going alone.
Laters people. Hope you have a wonderful relaxing Sunday..
Friday, January 7, 2011
Today's Adoption Orientation
Today LTL and I went to the orientation class for our adoption agency. We got a lot of info and a packet to go through sign and return. I'd be lying if I said I felt total relief after the class but I didn't and that worries me. A LOT. LTL and I went out to lunch after and it was nice having more 1 on 1 time with him as the next 6ish weeks are going to be rough.
My mind has been unable to stop racing despite the taking of a xanax at lunch. There are 2 classes we HAVE to attend and one of the days I have a schedule conflict. I'm not supposed to be taking any time off the first 6 weeks at work but I may end up having to ask about it as the next class wouldn't be until JUNE. (which is when a certain expectant mother is due that is considering placing her baby and has been kind of thinking of us) They only do these classes 4 times a year. I think that is the major cause of this chick's racing mind. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach. It made it so I could barely eat lunch. I want so badly to jump into all this and the fact that there is a potential problem just makes me want to cry. I know I'm over reacting but that doesn't make it any easier.
On the major upside we found out how they charge and when they expect certain fees and IT'S SOOOO POSSIBLE! They only ask for $1,000 at the beginning and then the rest is due at placement!! Which definitely gives us time to save up some more $$. We could actually pay cash for it. That part makes me happy. Really happy.
Here's the super stressful and extremely random part... I actually starting wondering if we should have tried donor sperm. It's something that we both decided against yet it has popped up in my head a few times. It's weird it's random it's stressful and it's making me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I was 100% sure I was over this whole getting preg deal. Now it's just sitting in the back of my mind bouncing around like a rubber ball with no direction.
I guess my next step is to spend some serious time thinking/praying.etc about all this. I'm going to try to talk to our church person and see if he has any council on it all.
Anyone have any fabulous suggestions on sifting through all this stuff? Haha
My mind has been unable to stop racing despite the taking of a xanax at lunch. There are 2 classes we HAVE to attend and one of the days I have a schedule conflict. I'm not supposed to be taking any time off the first 6 weeks at work but I may end up having to ask about it as the next class wouldn't be until JUNE. (which is when a certain expectant mother is due that is considering placing her baby and has been kind of thinking of us) They only do these classes 4 times a year. I think that is the major cause of this chick's racing mind. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach. It made it so I could barely eat lunch. I want so badly to jump into all this and the fact that there is a potential problem just makes me want to cry. I know I'm over reacting but that doesn't make it any easier.
On the major upside we found out how they charge and when they expect certain fees and IT'S SOOOO POSSIBLE! They only ask for $1,000 at the beginning and then the rest is due at placement!! Which definitely gives us time to save up some more $$. We could actually pay cash for it. That part makes me happy. Really happy.
Here's the super stressful and extremely random part... I actually starting wondering if we should have tried donor sperm. It's something that we both decided against yet it has popped up in my head a few times. It's weird it's random it's stressful and it's making me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I was 100% sure I was over this whole getting preg deal. Now it's just sitting in the back of my mind bouncing around like a rubber ball with no direction.
I guess my next step is to spend some serious time thinking/praying.etc about all this. I'm going to try to talk to our church person and see if he has any council on it all.
Anyone have any fabulous suggestions on sifting through all this stuff? Haha
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tapping out
I feel like I should be tapping out like wrestlers or whoever do when things have gotten to be too much. I just want to disappear from things for a while. There are a million and one pregnancy announcements going around and I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope ready to strangle myself. (not really. It's just the only thing I could come up with dealing with a rope, haha)
I walked out of church on Sunday. It wasn't just the baby blessings (Although it usually is). Everyone that got up and talked was either depressing, thoughtless or just kinda bonkers. There were talks about babies dying, suicide attempts and one case of pregnancy being thrown in the face of 'infertiles'. So I decided one of my New Years resolutions/goals is to not sit and listen to nonsense and stuff that makes me feel worse. I have this theory that church isn't supposed to make you feel worse it's supposed to be uplifting and make you feel better than when you walked in. So no more sitting through painful talks and such.
Friday we have our orientation class with the adoption agency we are going through. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm so nervous/scared to think that we are about to leave us becoming parents to an agency and a birth mother. I'm nervous about the cost. I hope they don't want a large lump sum. I think they allow payment along the way. Boy oh boy I'm scared shitless.
I don't know what I can do to make the time pass by faster.. or slower. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep well tonight or tomorrow night. I'm at a total loss. I have some sleep meds to help but I've got to be up early tomorrow so I can help out at my brother in laws office (his office manager AND dental assistant are no longer with the office. A house cleaning of sorts.)
In other realms of my life I've begun making changes. I'm doing a MAJOR career change. Currently I'm a hairstylist and have been for 10+ years. In September I left the day spa I'd been working at for 5 years to go to a booth rent salon that is a lot more hip and edgy. WELL, I just accepted a job offer at a financial institution for a full time 40 hour a week position. It's a gigantic change for me. It's been a long time since I worked for a large corporation of sorts. The best thing is they have amazing benefits. Good enough that if LTL wanted to cut back hours while he is in school he could and we'd have as good of insurance as we have now. (It's pretty damn good. It was willing to cover $15,000 of IF expenses over a lifetime which I thought was great. I wish all insurance companies covered IF expenses without a limit. If they did we might still be trying for a biological baby) I'm really hoping that this will relieve some stress for LTL. It'll also relieve some stress for me by leaving the salon scene. I'm ready to be done.
My wrist and shoulder just can't take it anymore. I had surgery about 7 years ago on my shoulder and it didn't really work. I'm in a LOT of pain a lot of the time. It's frustrating. I'm really going to miss my clients. I think I'll try to still do some hair on the side but I doubt a lot of clients will want to come to a home salon that lacks a credit card machine. It's just not close to the level of professionalism they're used to. A problem that I'm trying to fix is, I don't know who I'm going to refer my clients to. I have a friend at work that in theory I could refer them to but most of the personalities aren't going to mesh and she licks balls at men's hair and I have a fair amount of male clients. So I'm torn. So much stress this week. It's exhausting!
Well, time is up for me today. My wrist and shoulder are begging me to give them a break. So I'm gong to hurry and make comments on a few blogs and go figure out what to make for dinner. Peace out peeps. Hope you're having an absolutely splendid day.
I walked out of church on Sunday. It wasn't just the baby blessings (Although it usually is). Everyone that got up and talked was either depressing, thoughtless or just kinda bonkers. There were talks about babies dying, suicide attempts and one case of pregnancy being thrown in the face of 'infertiles'. So I decided one of my New Years resolutions/goals is to not sit and listen to nonsense and stuff that makes me feel worse. I have this theory that church isn't supposed to make you feel worse it's supposed to be uplifting and make you feel better than when you walked in. So no more sitting through painful talks and such.
Friday we have our orientation class with the adoption agency we are going through. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm so nervous/scared to think that we are about to leave us becoming parents to an agency and a birth mother. I'm nervous about the cost. I hope they don't want a large lump sum. I think they allow payment along the way. Boy oh boy I'm scared shitless.
I don't know what I can do to make the time pass by faster.. or slower. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep well tonight or tomorrow night. I'm at a total loss. I have some sleep meds to help but I've got to be up early tomorrow so I can help out at my brother in laws office (his office manager AND dental assistant are no longer with the office. A house cleaning of sorts.)
In other realms of my life I've begun making changes. I'm doing a MAJOR career change. Currently I'm a hairstylist and have been for 10+ years. In September I left the day spa I'd been working at for 5 years to go to a booth rent salon that is a lot more hip and edgy. WELL, I just accepted a job offer at a financial institution for a full time 40 hour a week position. It's a gigantic change for me. It's been a long time since I worked for a large corporation of sorts. The best thing is they have amazing benefits. Good enough that if LTL wanted to cut back hours while he is in school he could and we'd have as good of insurance as we have now. (It's pretty damn good. It was willing to cover $15,000 of IF expenses over a lifetime which I thought was great. I wish all insurance companies covered IF expenses without a limit. If they did we might still be trying for a biological baby) I'm really hoping that this will relieve some stress for LTL. It'll also relieve some stress for me by leaving the salon scene. I'm ready to be done.
My wrist and shoulder just can't take it anymore. I had surgery about 7 years ago on my shoulder and it didn't really work. I'm in a LOT of pain a lot of the time. It's frustrating. I'm really going to miss my clients. I think I'll try to still do some hair on the side but I doubt a lot of clients will want to come to a home salon that lacks a credit card machine. It's just not close to the level of professionalism they're used to. A problem that I'm trying to fix is, I don't know who I'm going to refer my clients to. I have a friend at work that in theory I could refer them to but most of the personalities aren't going to mesh and she licks balls at men's hair and I have a fair amount of male clients. So I'm torn. So much stress this week. It's exhausting!
Well, time is up for me today. My wrist and shoulder are begging me to give them a break. So I'm gong to hurry and make comments on a few blogs and go figure out what to make for dinner. Peace out peeps. Hope you're having an absolutely splendid day.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Legit friends
Don't just say they wish they could help. They plot ways to help. They research ways to help. They want it for you almost as much as you want it for yourself. They randomly message you in the AM asking what's wrong when you hadn't even told your hubs you were feeling down. I've got 11 months until I hit 30 and I'm still learning the difference between acquaintances, fair weather friends, stormy weather friends, friends and legit friends. I thought this shit got better/easier after high school.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A New Year Has Begun
And I thought I'd wake filled with piss and vinegar ready to take on the world.
I'm not.
So much for all that optimism posted last night. I feel as though I've settled back into a feeling if disappointment, sorrow and jealousy. Maybe it's because I'm still tired, should probably be in bed still but am working today.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I'm not.
So much for all that optimism posted last night. I feel as though I've settled back into a feeling if disappointment, sorrow and jealousy. Maybe it's because I'm still tired, should probably be in bed still but am working today.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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