So it happened

There is a new baby just added to the in law's side. LTL's cousin and his wife welcomed their baby on the 14th. He's the first grandchild and he arrived about 3 weeks early due to complications. Luckily both the mom and baby are doing fine despite the complications.
I should be happy about this.. right? I should want to go see them, right? I mean that's what a normal person would do, right? Then why the hell do I have absolutely NO DESIRE to see this baby? I'm feeling bitter and resentful and I don't know how to control it. I keep telling myself it's just because I've had such a long week and I'm really stressed (more on that later). But I kind of doubt it. I'll give a little backstory on the relationship between JW & RW (LTL's cousin and his wife) and DL & ML (LTL's bro and his wife( and us. It can seem slightly complicated so hold tight.. it should all make sense in the end.
LTL and I met the last part of September in '07. We clicked immediately. In November LTL moved in with his parents to save money and such (He was apparently getting ready to propose and had just bought my ring). He shared the basement with JW (cousin). The two pretty much grew up together. They were more like brothers than cousins. DL (brother) was also pretty close to them but had left to serve a mission for the church (LDS). We (LTL & JW & myself) all got along really well. We'd hang out together on occasion and we'd double and such. On December 25th 2007 LTL proposed and of course I said yes. We began planning our wedding. It was great. DL came home from his mission about a week or two before our wedding (yes it was planned that way). JW was dating this girl that was fun but kinda strange. DL was kind of seeing this girl that had written him while on his mission. We knew she'd be his wife, It was funny. So we got married the first part of June. By July 4th DL had proposed to ML (who is awesome but she is sadly going through IF treatment/testing as well. And as much as it sucks I'm grateful for it because she knows how I feel and I know how she feels and we can be supportive to each other during family things). Well DL and ML got married on October of '08. (Ironically it was right around that time that I stopped taking BC). At their reception JW brought RW. They were engaged shortly after and married in December '08. So there it is. You have 3 'brothers' all married within 6 1/2 months of each other. We thought it was cool at the time and made jokes about having anniversary trips together and really believed it'd happen. Now I know I will never travel with JW & RW. For multiple reasons..
Ok so ML and I finally realized after a while that we were both having trouble conceiving. I was already going through testing and such. I still had a good relationship with JW & RW and would talk to JW on a fairly regular basis. They were both really supportive when LTL was gone to BMT. Checking on me and whatnot. They both knew all that was going on with our IF and they knew how heartbreaking it had been each month when it didn't happen. In fact we were out to eat with them on late morning when I had to excuse myself to go take an ovulation test. The first one that came back positive and they saw first hand how exciting it was.
Fast forward to summer of '10. LTL was getting ready to leave for tech school. We knew we were headed for adoption. We were heartbroken at some of the results we'd received and everyone knew it was really hard on us. He left in June. He was set to return in early November or late October. The first Friday in August I contacted an agency. We had a birthmom that was semi interested in us. She was going through them. I explained the situation (LTL being stuck in TX) and they basically told us there was nothing they could do to help and she wouldn't be able to place with us. I was devastated. I cried. A LOT. Randomly after that phone call I received one from JW asking what was up. I explained and he was shocked. In the same conversation he said 'I sure hope we don't have trouble getting pregnant'. I switched from trying to calm myself down to try to be supportive of him. Stupid stupid me. (You'll read why in a little bit). So there I was drying my own tears with the sleeve of my hoodie trying to 'calm his nerves and worries'. I drove to pick up my dogs and went to my MIL's house. Explained what happened and she was great about it. Then I headed to work. Mind you LTL is gone and I'm trying my best to cope with all this.
I don't remember when it happened. I just remember it was after my experience with the agency. It could have been 2 weeks after as that sounds about right. I had gone to my in laws to pick up my dogs. (They puppy sat a lot during the day for me so the boys weren't locked up for long hours during the day) I remember my MIL sent me a text asking me to stay until they got home. I was in a so so mood. Work had been draining and I was tired. Turns out she wanted me to stay so I could eat with them. Very thoughtful. I should have left though as I had an uneasy feeling about the night.
She made delicious sandwiches. Roast beef, provolone and I don't remember what else. I got about halfway through it when her cell phone rang. It was JW. He directed her to go outside. They had left something for her and my FIL. The tone in her voice was weird as she opened the card. Her face dropped and she stared at me. I think deep down I knew what it was but I thought it couldn't be. He had just told me he hoped they didn't have issues like we did. She said these words, 'Well M3MU is here....Yeah' and she handed me the card. It had some cheesy ass saying of when does 1 + 1 = 3 on the outside. I opened it. Ya know what was inside? Any guesses? What's just about the cruelest thing to hand to someone who wants so desperately to have a baby?



A FUCKING ULTRASOUND PICTURE. No... wait.. there were THREE.


The next words out of my mouth were, 'you've got to be fucking kidding me.. Uhhh I mean congrats?' The first part was semi mumbled. My MIL was still on the phone with JW. I was in a daze. I remember that sandwich feeling really heavy in my stomach. I felt like I was choking. Eventually my MIL got off the phone. I thanked them for dinner and told them I'd be on my way home now. My MIL then said something I NEVER thought I'd hear from her.. 'Why leave? You're just gonna go home and cry. You should stay'. EXCUSE ME? Am I not allowed to feel hurt and betrayed? He should have told me himself. Not made me feel bad for them that day in early August. My response to her? 'Oh you really think I'll get home and cry? I don't expect to make it out of the driveway before I start sobbing' and with that I left.
I didn't even make it into my car. I cried the whole 30ish minutes home. LTL was miles and miles away and didn't at the time understand why it was so hard on me. It was horrible. I'm getting sick feeling even typing this and the tears are beginning to stream down my face.
I avoided all family functions JW & RW were to attend OR I made damn sure I had taken a Xanax. I finally told JW why I was avoiding them and his response was something like 'oh well'. So we all became very distant.
Just last month MIL told me that ML and I needed to throw RW a baby shower as JW doesn't have any sisters. I FREAKED. I told her there was no way I was going to do that. There was absolutely no way I could. I didn't even think I could attend one as I've been avoiding them like the plague for 2 1/2 years. We debated for a while and finally she gave up. So things are tense all the way around because of this situation.
Now JW & RW are parents. They've succeeded where LTL and I have failed on epic levels. They've been given the one thing that LTL and I truly want. (DL and ML want it as well)
JW was unemployed when RW got preg. She was working full time and he had no intention of finding a job. He's LAZY. I had a little chat with him one day and I think I'm one of the main reasons why he did... My sister's hub was unemployed when she was preg and when she gave birth to their daughter. One month she was back at work. We all resented him. She did as well. It has been a cause for tension in the family. He still only works part time. He's lazy. So after giving JW this info it was about a month and he found a job. I was so frustrated that they would try for a baby and succeed when he was FIRED from a job that he should have been able to keep, they are living in a small crappy apartment and just really not ready financially to care for a child. THEY are given the gift of a child and yet LTL and I have our own place, we're financially stable to care for a child, both have jobs that pay very well, have great supportive parents, and have an amazing marriage and we're denied by God or whatever higher power people opt to believe in? Bullshit I tell you. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I know those things don't matter. It's just a frustration I have. Especially because LTL and I are about to have every aspect of our lives investigated into and have to prove we can financially care for a child just to be given the opportunity to adopt. It's twisted and I feel sick just typing that.
So now what? How do I handle seeing them at family dinners and family functions? Do I stop going? Or only go if they won't be there? What do I do when all anyone wants to talk about is this new addition? How do I hold back tears? How do I keep my eyes from looking so sad? How do I move on?