Things I can't post on my other blog..

These things I can't post on my personal, private blog.....

So trying to work yesterday was total hell. My mind was completely wrapped up in the previous day's orientation. I had massive issues trying to pay attention to anything. Hopefully my clients couldn't tell too much! My mind is still racing.

I'm 99.9% set on adoption. I don't know why I let that itty bitty thought about donor sperm get into my mind. It's not like it will save us any money. I'd have to be on injectables since LTL isn't our only issue. (I don't know if I mentioned this before but I don't ovulate regularly... at all... and in September my Dr told me he's pretty sure I have Endo. So who knows if donor would have been a good idea anyway.)

So we filled out our paperwork and I hope to hand it back in soon. I'll call Monday and see if I need to drop it off in person or if I can mail it in. Our next step is our intake papers and interview. It's weird to think that they have to accept us even though we fit all their requirements. Makes me nervous. Like we won't be good enough. What if we don't mesh well with our case worker/social worker? What if he/she doesn't like us? It just makes me a little sick to my stomach. I still have a hard time thinking that our family's future depends on other people. It's something I would like to have a little more control over so I'm slowly learning and working on letting go of the reins.

LTL is absolutely great with all this. He's so calm about all this. I don't know if he's holding it in or if he's just that ok with it all. On Friday at lunch he just kept telling me things were ok and we'd be fine. I actually asked him if he thought our marriage could withstand all this (something that they talked about a LOT in the orientation) and his response was something like, 'well it better!' which put a smile on my face. I figure that if we can withstand his leaving for basic training for 8ish weeks then almost a year later leaving for 4 1/2+ months all while dealing with IF and a less than sane MIL and living in a neighborhood where we all too often feel like outcasts we'll be just fine. :) Maybe we just thrive in all this? No matter what happens I know I can count on him being supportive.

Random side note about work... I can't freaking wait to be done there. Of all the stupid things to get to me, yesterday a co-worker/'friend' made me feel like crap. We usually trade services and have for a while. She knows I need/want stuff done and she does too but schedules have been rough to mesh. So yesterday the first thing is she's acting like she's better than me. Or at least that's how it feels.. (please woman.... in no way are you better than me.. nor am I better than her). So I'm super quiet and not saying much. I'm sitting down and she's by me as is another person and right in front of me she tells the person she wants her to do the services instead of me. Whatever. It shouldn't bug me but it just made me feel like total crap. She didn't have to do it in front of me. It actually hurt my feelings which I hate to admit. Of course all this falls after she's done a few other things that make me question being friends/co-workers with her. Blah. This is one of many reasons why I have a hard time being friends with other women. Feelings get in the way. I'd tell her what I thought but I still have to work there for a while. I've had much better luck being friends with guys. It's point blank. If there is an issue you say it and get over it. There isn't dwelling on an issue as much... Ok I lied.. some of my guys friends are just plain bitches (pardon). They're drama. Good hell are they DRAMA. Lately I've distanced myself from them as well. I almost feel like I'm back in high school trying to 'clean house' on the friend list. BLAH...
Anywho. Gotta get off the laptop and get ready. I'm hoping I can snag a couple minutes with our someone in our church to discuss the adoption thing briefly.. and give a heads up that he'll have to give a letter of approval. *sigh* LTL is at drill so I'll be going alone.
Laters people. Hope you have a wonderful relaxing Sunday..