Happy New Year everyone. May we all get that which our heart and souls so desire. 2011 is a brand new start and we WILL make it). :)
Keep your heads up everyone. This year is going to KICK ASS!
XOXO
<3 ~ M3MU
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Just when I thought the day was going oh so well...
Ok so I'm an idiot... at least I'm self proclaimed. Right? There has to be some sort of merit in that. I hope.
So here's the stupid thing I did on Monday. I emailed a former friend/co-worker. Shouldn't be a big issue.. RIGHT? Well it was a HUGE deal. Back when I first started on Clomid I had a friend/co-worker that was TTC as well. It'd only been 2 months for her. Naturally she got pregnant while I was doing my first round with Clomid and I got a BFN where she got a BFP.
We'd talked quite a bit before and she knew how worried I was that it wouldn't happen and she knew how hurtful it was when other co-workers threw things in my face. She HAD felt the same way. She also knew that both my sisters had trouble TTC and one went through 2 IVF cycles. (Happy ending though. She has a 7 y/o boy that was the product of IVF #2) I gave a LOT of information to her and opened up a lot. Needless to say we quickly grew distant as all she could talk about to our co-workers or anyone else was how she was preg.
I needed space as I distanced myself as far as I could. Not only was I having super wonderful (sarcasm) side effects from Clomid but LTL and I were getting ready for him to leave for BMT. It was a lot to handle. After all, he was leaving 2 wks after our 1 year anniversary. I was beyond emotional.
Fast forward to him leaving. I could barely compose myself at work. I found myself crying to and from work. It was bad news. I was uber depressed. Around this time was when I was told our next step was an RE. Not sure I really remember that time very well. I think I've blocked it out. But anywho, right about then this friend, let's call her Myrna, got into a car accident and was in the hospital while they monitored the baby. I had NO knowledge of this. I was far too depressed and wrapped up in my own little life so it's possible someone told me. I'd also been working at a different location from her so news didn't reach me very fast. Apparently me not 'caring' about her and asking her about stuff is what set me up to have my 'friend' be the cruelest one out there.
She threw EVERYTHING baby and pregnancy related in my face. When I would walk into a room there was suddenly baby/pregnancy talk. She did it on purpose. She even admitted it. It went on until she stopped working. It was pure hell for me.
Now here's my big old stupid ass move.
Gotta love Facebook. Right? WRONG! She kept popping up on my 'people you may know' list. So I msg'd her. Explained why I didn't 'OMG how are you doing' msg her back then. Her reply? Oh she's fine with it know. Still thinks of me. Asks anyone I know about me. Questions like 'how is she? does she seem happy?' Are you fuggin kiddin me? Do I SEEM happy? Bitch please. I AM happy.
Apparently one of our common 'friends' told her that we're unable to have biological children and hope to adopt. ALL our common friends know I wish to not have anything passed along info wise to her. Just change the subject or say you don't know. They all know exactly how I feel about them telling her ANYTHING. I just don't want or need people like her in my life. I never thought that someone I was such good friends with could be so ruthless and vindictive.
So that was my stupid move and I'm now paying the price. I have to decide who I can trust with info YET AGAIN. I'm so sick of this. I'm open about something and it bites me in the ass. Again.
So here's the stupid thing I did on Monday. I emailed a former friend/co-worker. Shouldn't be a big issue.. RIGHT? Well it was a HUGE deal. Back when I first started on Clomid I had a friend/co-worker that was TTC as well. It'd only been 2 months for her. Naturally she got pregnant while I was doing my first round with Clomid and I got a BFN where she got a BFP.
We'd talked quite a bit before and she knew how worried I was that it wouldn't happen and she knew how hurtful it was when other co-workers threw things in my face. She HAD felt the same way. She also knew that both my sisters had trouble TTC and one went through 2 IVF cycles. (Happy ending though. She has a 7 y/o boy that was the product of IVF #2) I gave a LOT of information to her and opened up a lot. Needless to say we quickly grew distant as all she could talk about to our co-workers or anyone else was how she was preg.
I needed space as I distanced myself as far as I could. Not only was I having super wonderful (sarcasm) side effects from Clomid but LTL and I were getting ready for him to leave for BMT. It was a lot to handle. After all, he was leaving 2 wks after our 1 year anniversary. I was beyond emotional.
Fast forward to him leaving. I could barely compose myself at work. I found myself crying to and from work. It was bad news. I was uber depressed. Around this time was when I was told our next step was an RE. Not sure I really remember that time very well. I think I've blocked it out. But anywho, right about then this friend, let's call her Myrna, got into a car accident and was in the hospital while they monitored the baby. I had NO knowledge of this. I was far too depressed and wrapped up in my own little life so it's possible someone told me. I'd also been working at a different location from her so news didn't reach me very fast. Apparently me not 'caring' about her and asking her about stuff is what set me up to have my 'friend' be the cruelest one out there.
She threw EVERYTHING baby and pregnancy related in my face. When I would walk into a room there was suddenly baby/pregnancy talk. She did it on purpose. She even admitted it. It went on until she stopped working. It was pure hell for me.
Now here's my big old stupid ass move.
Gotta love Facebook. Right? WRONG! She kept popping up on my 'people you may know' list. So I msg'd her. Explained why I didn't 'OMG how are you doing' msg her back then. Her reply? Oh she's fine with it know. Still thinks of me. Asks anyone I know about me. Questions like 'how is she? does she seem happy?' Are you fuggin kiddin me? Do I SEEM happy? Bitch please. I AM happy.
Apparently one of our common 'friends' told her that we're unable to have biological children and hope to adopt. ALL our common friends know I wish to not have anything passed along info wise to her. Just change the subject or say you don't know. They all know exactly how I feel about them telling her ANYTHING. I just don't want or need people like her in my life. I never thought that someone I was such good friends with could be so ruthless and vindictive.
So that was my stupid move and I'm now paying the price. I have to decide who I can trust with info YET AGAIN. I'm so sick of this. I'm open about something and it bites me in the ass. Again.
Next Week
Next week we have our 'orientation' class with the adoption agency we have chosen. I'm nervous yet super excited. I'm really hoping we get all the information we need to get this started! Seriously hoping that we can bust through the paperwork and get the homestudy and everything else done ASAP.
Fears:
I worry that even though LTL is not active duty, (he's not even reserve. He's ANG.) that they will be less than willing to work with us. LTL will be gone for 2 weeks this years... I want things done before that happens. I had talked to them while he was gone this last time and we actually had a birth mom interested in us but the agency said that their hands were tied as he was out of state. BLAH. So much for them being compassionate. Haha. Here's to hoping things go better this time around.
I'm also worried that we may not get picked. We are slightly non-traditional for this agency. It's a church based agency and both of us weren't involved in the church for a while but have been involved since before we got married. This particular church doesn't condone tattoos.. we both have multiple and will probably get more.. who knows. I just worry that it could be what keeps us from getting chosen.
Something else about the agency... it's where my little SIL's highschool friend is thinking of going through to place her baby that's due in June... Not only has my SIL and MIL talked to her and her mom but there is a close friend/teacher to this girl and her mom that's talked to her about LTL and I.. It's a long shot I know. But I figure it can't hurt to HOPE.
Yup... I'm rambling when I should be getting ready...
Here's to hoping I can update this blog on a regular basis... :) I'll do my best. haha
Fears:
I worry that even though LTL is not active duty, (he's not even reserve. He's ANG.) that they will be less than willing to work with us. LTL will be gone for 2 weeks this years... I want things done before that happens. I had talked to them while he was gone this last time and we actually had a birth mom interested in us but the agency said that their hands were tied as he was out of state. BLAH. So much for them being compassionate. Haha. Here's to hoping things go better this time around.
I'm also worried that we may not get picked. We are slightly non-traditional for this agency. It's a church based agency and both of us weren't involved in the church for a while but have been involved since before we got married. This particular church doesn't condone tattoos.. we both have multiple and will probably get more.. who knows. I just worry that it could be what keeps us from getting chosen.
Something else about the agency... it's where my little SIL's highschool friend is thinking of going through to place her baby that's due in June... Not only has my SIL and MIL talked to her and her mom but there is a close friend/teacher to this girl and her mom that's talked to her about LTL and I.. It's a long shot I know. But I figure it can't hurt to HOPE.
Yup... I'm rambling when I should be getting ready...
Here's to hoping I can update this blog on a regular basis... :) I'll do my best. haha
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
December 12 2010
Every once in a while..
Every once in a while I day dream about LTL and I having a biological baby.
It happened while on my way home from my work Christmas dinner.
It was strange. Nobody there is preg. Pretty sure they all know about the adoption plan LTL and I have. Yet as I got closer and closer to home my mind wandered.
What ifs consumed my mind and soul.
Would she/he (I often think it'd be a she) have his eyes? I always thought she would, his are an AMAZING color.
Would she have my hair color and dimple?
What about self confidence? I'd hope she would inherit his, it's amazing.
I'd hope she'd inherit my passion for science. A self proclaimed nerd. :) I'd hope she'd use it wisely to make us (and Grandpa H) proud.
Would she love soccer like I did? Or join the swim team like LTL did?
Would she be as adventurous as LTL?
Would she inherit my loose joints? I'd hope not. Haha.
What about teeth? Would she get strong teeth like LTL?
I guess in a way it's still hard sometimes to think that we'll never know how awesome a job our DNA could do when combined. It feels like at times I still mourn the loss of what will never be. It's hard to move on.
It's been almost 8 months since we decided to stop fertility treatments. I don't regret our choice. Not even for a minute. I just wish sometimes that we didn't have to make that type of choice at all.
I still have a hard time listening to pregnant women talk about their pregnancy. At work if a client is I try to walk away. I DO in fact 'hide' all the pregnant women I know on Facebook. The pics and updates are too much. I still have a hard talk even talking to women I know that are preg. It's not that I'm not happy for them and wonder how they are because I do. I just can't bring myself to be social with them right now. Still too painful.
Now with Christmas approaching everywhere is filled with reminders that we are celebrating as a family of 2 with no idea of when it'll be for 3.
Sorry for a downer post. Better luck in hoping for a good happy post after New Years.
Every once in a while I day dream about LTL and I having a biological baby.
It happened while on my way home from my work Christmas dinner.
It was strange. Nobody there is preg. Pretty sure they all know about the adoption plan LTL and I have. Yet as I got closer and closer to home my mind wandered.
What ifs consumed my mind and soul.
Would she/he (I often think it'd be a she) have his eyes? I always thought she would, his are an AMAZING color.
Would she have my hair color and dimple?
What about self confidence? I'd hope she would inherit his, it's amazing.
I'd hope she'd inherit my passion for science. A self proclaimed nerd. :) I'd hope she'd use it wisely to make us (and Grandpa H) proud.
Would she love soccer like I did? Or join the swim team like LTL did?
Would she be as adventurous as LTL?
Would she inherit my loose joints? I'd hope not. Haha.
What about teeth? Would she get strong teeth like LTL?
I guess in a way it's still hard sometimes to think that we'll never know how awesome a job our DNA could do when combined. It feels like at times I still mourn the loss of what will never be. It's hard to move on.
It's been almost 8 months since we decided to stop fertility treatments. I don't regret our choice. Not even for a minute. I just wish sometimes that we didn't have to make that type of choice at all.
I still have a hard time listening to pregnant women talk about their pregnancy. At work if a client is I try to walk away. I DO in fact 'hide' all the pregnant women I know on Facebook. The pics and updates are too much. I still have a hard talk even talking to women I know that are preg. It's not that I'm not happy for them and wonder how they are because I do. I just can't bring myself to be social with them right now. Still too painful.
Now with Christmas approaching everywhere is filled with reminders that we are celebrating as a family of 2 with no idea of when it'll be for 3.
Sorry for a downer post. Better luck in hoping for a good happy post after New Years.
August 2 2010
A ranting/depressing sort of post.
Having issues sleeping at the moment. Too many naps today. So I'm gonna vent.
“That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph: and that which make our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness. The only true happiness is to learn, to advance, and to improve: which could not happen unless we had commence with error, ignorance, and imperfection. We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.”
Albert Pike (American Lawyer, Journalist and Soldier, 1809-1891)
A quote I stole from LTL's facebook page. It makes so much sense but after reading I still want to break out into non-stop tears. But I won't.
I'm sick of our 'trial'. I'm sick of this heartache. I'm sick of this 'imperfection'. I'm sick of hearing 'it'll happen on God's time' , 'it's all in God's plan'. Those that say things like that can take it and effing shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
The only response I can think to give upon being told those things is 'eff that. I don't accept it.' I don't know that I'll ever accept it. I've heard those things a LOT lately and wonder, in what world is it EVER ok to say something like that to someone? It's like you're discounting their feelings.
I think I jumped the gun when I said I was ok with our decision. I mean I AM ok with it but it doesn't make things less painful and I really thought it would. I feel like once a week when something is thrown into my face I mourn. I mourn what never was and what will never be. To say people in my situation don't understand loss is to say the Pope isn't Catholic. It's a stupid statement and it shows how big an ass people can be.
I've been lying to myself and probably everyone else. I must have been. I've come to realize this month that I haven't completely dealt with things. I've just been hiding it all trying to be strong. It's been even harder because my 'rock' isn't here. He's not here to give me a hug, say things will be okay, tell me he feels the same and just let me cry on his shoulder.
I tried to start the adoption process with LDSFS. I tried to get the paperwork cranked out. They won't let me because LTL is out of state. They don't care that it's for military reasons. They don't care that we knew of a birthmother that had expressed interest in us. They just didn't care. It was devastating.
It's been a ridiculous 6 weeks.
Luckily there have been some good times with good friends and family. Sadly there have been some horrible times that shake my beliefs to the core.
Bleh. Time to peace out for the night/morning. G'night cruel world. I'll see you in the morning.
Having issues sleeping at the moment. Too many naps today. So I'm gonna vent.
“That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph: and that which make our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness. The only true happiness is to learn, to advance, and to improve: which could not happen unless we had commence with error, ignorance, and imperfection. We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.”
Albert Pike (American Lawyer, Journalist and Soldier, 1809-1891)
A quote I stole from LTL's facebook page. It makes so much sense but after reading I still want to break out into non-stop tears. But I won't.
I'm sick of our 'trial'. I'm sick of this heartache. I'm sick of this 'imperfection'. I'm sick of hearing 'it'll happen on God's time' , 'it's all in God's plan'. Those that say things like that can take it and effing shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
The only response I can think to give upon being told those things is 'eff that. I don't accept it.' I don't know that I'll ever accept it. I've heard those things a LOT lately and wonder, in what world is it EVER ok to say something like that to someone? It's like you're discounting their feelings.
I think I jumped the gun when I said I was ok with our decision. I mean I AM ok with it but it doesn't make things less painful and I really thought it would. I feel like once a week when something is thrown into my face I mourn. I mourn what never was and what will never be. To say people in my situation don't understand loss is to say the Pope isn't Catholic. It's a stupid statement and it shows how big an ass people can be.
I've been lying to myself and probably everyone else. I must have been. I've come to realize this month that I haven't completely dealt with things. I've just been hiding it all trying to be strong. It's been even harder because my 'rock' isn't here. He's not here to give me a hug, say things will be okay, tell me he feels the same and just let me cry on his shoulder.
I tried to start the adoption process with LDSFS. I tried to get the paperwork cranked out. They won't let me because LTL is out of state. They don't care that it's for military reasons. They don't care that we knew of a birthmother that had expressed interest in us. They just didn't care. It was devastating.
It's been a ridiculous 6 weeks.
Luckily there have been some good times with good friends and family. Sadly there have been some horrible times that shake my beliefs to the core.
Bleh. Time to peace out for the night/morning. G'night cruel world. I'll see you in the morning.
June 18 2010
Little, no LARGE update
Yeah I know. It's been quite a while since I posted. Oh well. Life happens and priorities are set and blogging just isn't a priority lately. :)
Anywho. LTL leaves for Texas on Monday. He'll be there... A while. I've had some pretty crappy days just thinking about it. I'm doing better lately though and I have to wonder if it's these new supplements I'm taking. It's supposed to boost my energy and one thing almost all the people say is that their mood increased. Yay. :) hopefully it lasts.
I'll try to head to Texas to see him a few times. We just don't know what's allowed just yet so I'm in the wait and see phase. I figure as long as I can be there the weekend of his birthday I'm happy. :)
With the pups. Oh my. Darwin and Einstein have become great friends. Einstein seems like he is constantly seeking Darwins approval it's cute. At Einstein's dr appt Tuesday I found out he gained roughly 2 pounds. I thought he gained more though. He's so much bigger now! Luckily still cute haha.
The condo. Oh good hell the condo. Haha. It's been a painful process. The 'master bathroom' is almost done. We (really just LTL) were going to try to get the other bathroom/laundry room tiled but there just isn't enough time. I'm a little bummed but it's because I want all those boxes of tile and supplies GONE. :) it'll happen soon enough though. The day LTL leaves I'm going to try to do some painting. Keyword is TRY. We'll see if I'm up for it. I also have some other plans for what I'd like to do while he's gone.
LTL and I hit the 2 year mark. June 4th we celebrated our 2nd anniversary. It was awesome. We stayed at the CCI which is where we stayed our wedding night but that time we didn't get the full effect because we had to leave so early to catch our flight for Hawaii. But this time we we able to 'sleep in' and take time getting ready and enjoy the nice breakfast they serve. It was wonderful. Then we just hung out together all day. Had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. Shopped at Home Depot haha. Etc.
I still feel incredibly lucky/blessed to be married to LTL. The trials we've been put through have only made our relationship stronger. Each step of this infertility trial has been rough but we've done so well with communicating that it's all turned out well. We were lucky to be able to find out so quickly how we needed to communicate. During this process of infertility testing/treatment egos were bruised, souls were mourning, hearts were breaking and we came out of it HAPPY. In fact I can say I came out of it downright GIDDY. Giddy about my relationship with my husband. Giddy about our current situation. It may not be ideal in certain areas but it's ours and I love it. Giddy about the next step. Giddy about all the things in my patriarchal blessing. Giddy about this Infertility Group that I had the guts to agree to host/start. Giddy about CHANGE. Giddy about our families. They are an amazing source of support and strength. Giddy about life. Yeah I think that covers almost everything. If not and I missed something just assume I'm giddy about it. Mmmkay pumpkin? :)
Hmmm anything I've left out to update? Why yes, I do believe there is. I bet at least one of you is expecting me to bust out in all caps saying I'm pregnant. Any takers on that bet?
No??
Good thinking. I'm not. I won't be. I can't be. We got a diagnosis. It's less than stellar. But we're OVER IT. Pregnancy was soooo 2009/2010, right? (if you are pregnant or recently had your baby please know this is all in good fun and not meant negative. I'm trying to make it lighthearted and possibly make a few of you giggle at my lack of sorrow. And if you just had a baby and I haven't told you, yes I think your baby is adorable and I mean it from the bottom of my heart and soul.) One of our doctors (the reproductive specialist) gave us hope that there were things he could do to get me pregnant so we could have a genetic/biological baby. We got this news 3 days after I received my patriarchal blessing. Based on what I was told in that and gut instinct we sought a second opinion. The second doctor (not a reproductive specialist but still a specialist) was far less optimistic. He gave us real numbers and really didn't give us any hope. He was focused more on health and such. Not on getting me pregnant. That I respect. His view was that it would be VERY unlikely for us to have a baby. By hearing that I was calmed. We finally felt relief from what someone was telling us. It finally fit and made sense.
So here is my announcement.
Here is my update.
We have chosen to stop fertility treatments/testing completely. We are going to pursue adoption. When LTL gets back we can get official with it. I am beyond giddy. I think I always knew we'd adopt. It was just a matter of it we did it first or second. :) The blessing I got pretty much confirmed it being our pathway.
Soooooooo if anyone hears of someone wishing to place their baby with an awesome couple just keep us in mind. We'd be delighted. When LTL gets back we'll meet with an agency and get things going. (we're going to give lds adoption services a go. I know I don't have the name quite right but you get the idea. I swear I've seen it called lds family services, it's about love, etc etc.) We're not going to put limitations on what child we're 'willing' to adopt because in all honesty, it's not about what we want. It's about us being picked by a loving birth mother that finds a connection with us and has faith in us raising the baby she carried for all that time. Race doesn't matter. It never has and it never will. As my mom put it so brilliantly, 'those babies that are adopted weren't necessarily supposed to be with the birth parents, Heavenly Father had other plans for them but needed them to get to their eternal families on earth somehow'. Ok so it's a loose quote but it's the general idea that matters.
I hope that those reading this will be respectful.
If you don't agree with our choice to stop fertility treatment I suggest you keep your comments to yourself. If you don't agree with our choice to pursue adoption I suggest you remove yourself from my life. This is something I feel very strongly about and I will not accept anyone making mean comments or derogatory remarks. Sorry for the snappy words here. I just figure if I lay it all out now I save myself and others from potential drama. :)
So there you have it. All the updates I can think of. I'm sure there are other things I've neglected to mention. I'll get around to it. Eventually. I've also got a ton of pictures to put on here. Maybe that'll happen Monday after I drop LTL off at the airport. Maybe.
Yeah I know. It's been quite a while since I posted. Oh well. Life happens and priorities are set and blogging just isn't a priority lately. :)
Anywho. LTL leaves for Texas on Monday. He'll be there... A while. I've had some pretty crappy days just thinking about it. I'm doing better lately though and I have to wonder if it's these new supplements I'm taking. It's supposed to boost my energy and one thing almost all the people say is that their mood increased. Yay. :) hopefully it lasts.
I'll try to head to Texas to see him a few times. We just don't know what's allowed just yet so I'm in the wait and see phase. I figure as long as I can be there the weekend of his birthday I'm happy. :)
With the pups. Oh my. Darwin and Einstein have become great friends. Einstein seems like he is constantly seeking Darwins approval it's cute. At Einstein's dr appt Tuesday I found out he gained roughly 2 pounds. I thought he gained more though. He's so much bigger now! Luckily still cute haha.
The condo. Oh good hell the condo. Haha. It's been a painful process. The 'master bathroom' is almost done. We (really just LTL) were going to try to get the other bathroom/laundry room tiled but there just isn't enough time. I'm a little bummed but it's because I want all those boxes of tile and supplies GONE. :) it'll happen soon enough though. The day LTL leaves I'm going to try to do some painting. Keyword is TRY. We'll see if I'm up for it. I also have some other plans for what I'd like to do while he's gone.
LTL and I hit the 2 year mark. June 4th we celebrated our 2nd anniversary. It was awesome. We stayed at the CCI which is where we stayed our wedding night but that time we didn't get the full effect because we had to leave so early to catch our flight for Hawaii. But this time we we able to 'sleep in' and take time getting ready and enjoy the nice breakfast they serve. It was wonderful. Then we just hung out together all day. Had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. Shopped at Home Depot haha. Etc.
I still feel incredibly lucky/blessed to be married to LTL. The trials we've been put through have only made our relationship stronger. Each step of this infertility trial has been rough but we've done so well with communicating that it's all turned out well. We were lucky to be able to find out so quickly how we needed to communicate. During this process of infertility testing/treatment egos were bruised, souls were mourning, hearts were breaking and we came out of it HAPPY. In fact I can say I came out of it downright GIDDY. Giddy about my relationship with my husband. Giddy about our current situation. It may not be ideal in certain areas but it's ours and I love it. Giddy about the next step. Giddy about all the things in my patriarchal blessing. Giddy about this Infertility Group that I had the guts to agree to host/start. Giddy about CHANGE. Giddy about our families. They are an amazing source of support and strength. Giddy about life. Yeah I think that covers almost everything. If not and I missed something just assume I'm giddy about it. Mmmkay pumpkin? :)
Hmmm anything I've left out to update? Why yes, I do believe there is. I bet at least one of you is expecting me to bust out in all caps saying I'm pregnant. Any takers on that bet?
No??
Good thinking. I'm not. I won't be. I can't be. We got a diagnosis. It's less than stellar. But we're OVER IT. Pregnancy was soooo 2009/2010, right? (if you are pregnant or recently had your baby please know this is all in good fun and not meant negative. I'm trying to make it lighthearted and possibly make a few of you giggle at my lack of sorrow. And if you just had a baby and I haven't told you, yes I think your baby is adorable and I mean it from the bottom of my heart and soul.) One of our doctors (the reproductive specialist) gave us hope that there were things he could do to get me pregnant so we could have a genetic/biological baby. We got this news 3 days after I received my patriarchal blessing. Based on what I was told in that and gut instinct we sought a second opinion. The second doctor (not a reproductive specialist but still a specialist) was far less optimistic. He gave us real numbers and really didn't give us any hope. He was focused more on health and such. Not on getting me pregnant. That I respect. His view was that it would be VERY unlikely for us to have a baby. By hearing that I was calmed. We finally felt relief from what someone was telling us. It finally fit and made sense.
So here is my announcement.
Here is my update.
We have chosen to stop fertility treatments/testing completely. We are going to pursue adoption. When LTL gets back we can get official with it. I am beyond giddy. I think I always knew we'd adopt. It was just a matter of it we did it first or second. :) The blessing I got pretty much confirmed it being our pathway.
Soooooooo if anyone hears of someone wishing to place their baby with an awesome couple just keep us in mind. We'd be delighted. When LTL gets back we'll meet with an agency and get things going. (we're going to give lds adoption services a go. I know I don't have the name quite right but you get the idea. I swear I've seen it called lds family services, it's about love, etc etc.) We're not going to put limitations on what child we're 'willing' to adopt because in all honesty, it's not about what we want. It's about us being picked by a loving birth mother that finds a connection with us and has faith in us raising the baby she carried for all that time. Race doesn't matter. It never has and it never will. As my mom put it so brilliantly, 'those babies that are adopted weren't necessarily supposed to be with the birth parents, Heavenly Father had other plans for them but needed them to get to their eternal families on earth somehow'. Ok so it's a loose quote but it's the general idea that matters.
I hope that those reading this will be respectful.
If you don't agree with our choice to stop fertility treatment I suggest you keep your comments to yourself. If you don't agree with our choice to pursue adoption I suggest you remove yourself from my life. This is something I feel very strongly about and I will not accept anyone making mean comments or derogatory remarks. Sorry for the snappy words here. I just figure if I lay it all out now I save myself and others from potential drama. :)
So there you have it. All the updates I can think of. I'm sure there are other things I've neglected to mention. I'll get around to it. Eventually. I've also got a ton of pictures to put on here. Maybe that'll happen Monday after I drop LTL off at the airport. Maybe.
May 7 2010
We were supposed to.
We were supposed to have an appointment this morning.
We were supposed to hear some test results.
We were supposed to have some peace of mind right now.
We were supposed to have a better idea of which path we would be headed down next.
We were supposed to be able to one part of this journey to rest.
We were supposed to be moving on to that next step.
We were supposed to be able to rid ourselves of this anxiety. (ok ok I'm the one with the anxiety so it's more me than we)
It's no surprise to me at this point that our dr still doesn't have our test results. It still bothers me but it's not a big surprise.
At least this time they called me days before today to let me know they needed to bump back our appointment. So now we wait AGAIN. In a way I don't really care what the results are. We'll move forward in one direction or another. I just want to know what I should prepare myself for. Needles? Or paperwork and relying on someone to give birth and choose us to parent their child? Either one I'm fine with. I just want to prepare for it.
Random sidenote which I am thinking could be connected in the strangest of ways.
Sunday I get my patriarchal(spelling anyone?) blessing. Yeah I know, your next thought/question us, you never got yours?!? No. I didn't. It wasn't the right time for me until now. I have wondered lately if this blessing is linked to the dr appt. It's so weird that our appt was supposed to be today but is now a couple days after my blessing. I also find it ironic that my blessing happens on mothers day (I tried to reschedule for the patriarchs wife's sake but he said no). Also AF is scheduled to show Wednesday. Too many things for it to be coincidental. Haha. Let's hope I get some good insight/direction/help. :)
We were supposed to have an appointment this morning.
We were supposed to hear some test results.
We were supposed to have some peace of mind right now.
We were supposed to have a better idea of which path we would be headed down next.
We were supposed to be able to one part of this journey to rest.
We were supposed to be moving on to that next step.
We were supposed to be able to rid ourselves of this anxiety. (ok ok I'm the one with the anxiety so it's more me than we)
It's no surprise to me at this point that our dr still doesn't have our test results. It still bothers me but it's not a big surprise.
At least this time they called me days before today to let me know they needed to bump back our appointment. So now we wait AGAIN. In a way I don't really care what the results are. We'll move forward in one direction or another. I just want to know what I should prepare myself for. Needles? Or paperwork and relying on someone to give birth and choose us to parent their child? Either one I'm fine with. I just want to prepare for it.
Random sidenote which I am thinking could be connected in the strangest of ways.
Sunday I get my patriarchal(spelling anyone?) blessing. Yeah I know, your next thought/question us, you never got yours?!? No. I didn't. It wasn't the right time for me until now. I have wondered lately if this blessing is linked to the dr appt. It's so weird that our appt was supposed to be today but is now a couple days after my blessing. I also find it ironic that my blessing happens on mothers day (I tried to reschedule for the patriarchs wife's sake but he said no). Also AF is scheduled to show Wednesday. Too many things for it to be coincidental. Haha. Let's hope I get some good insight/direction/help. :)
April 29 2010
Lack of answers
Apparently when there is the tiniest thought of 'I should call to make sure the test results are in' I shouldn't reason myself out of it. Turns out the same nurse that didn't draw enough blood the first time was also wrong on when to expect results back. (she tried to schedule us on Tuesday but I said I'd rather do Thursday just in case.)
I can't believe I didn't call yesterday. I feel stupid. I should have known better than to trust her.
So, here's to another week of waiting for answers. Cheers. I do believe I'll celebrate with an energy drink this morning in hopes that it cures my raging headache.
HERE'S A LITTLE POST EDIT IN HOPES OF CLARIFYING... WE didn't get any answers today like I'd hoped. We have to go in yet again to get the results we thought we were getting today. :(
Apparently when there is the tiniest thought of 'I should call to make sure the test results are in' I shouldn't reason myself out of it. Turns out the same nurse that didn't draw enough blood the first time was also wrong on when to expect results back. (she tried to schedule us on Tuesday but I said I'd rather do Thursday just in case.)
I can't believe I didn't call yesterday. I feel stupid. I should have known better than to trust her.
So, here's to another week of waiting for answers. Cheers. I do believe I'll celebrate with an energy drink this morning in hopes that it cures my raging headache.
HERE'S A LITTLE POST EDIT IN HOPES OF CLARIFYING... WE didn't get any answers today like I'd hoped. We have to go in yet again to get the results we thought we were getting today. :(
#2 March 29 2010
Today and MORE
Today started off as a great day. I was able to 'sleep in' until 7:30 am (blasted dogs ha ha). I got ready slowly, started laundry and packed up my hair supplies. As I was walking the dogs I got an unexpected text from a very good friend announcing her pregnancy (her third) and asking me to call her when I had a few.
I wish I could say I was automatically excited for her. I wish I could say I couldn't wait to call her and tell her congrats. I wish I could say that one text didn't make me feel like shit.
I can't even count how many women I know that are expecting right now or how many recently had their little ones. I can't even count how many baby showers I've been invited to over the course of this TTC journey from hell.
In church, fast Sundays are BRUTAL. All these families get to bless their little ones and selfishly I sit there and wonder when it'll be my turn. When will LTL be up there with our familes blessing our little one? In our ward it seems like each fast Sunday there are like 5 baby blessings each time. (guess that's what I get for 1. Living in a condo and 2. Living in Evil Mtn. *sigh*) It's rough. Then naturally the mom gets us and bears her testimony on how wonderful it is that they would be blessed with such an amazing little person. It stings.
In the past I used to think I was being punished by God for all that time I was inactive. Punished for those years of stupid drunken behavior. In a way I guess I still feel that way. I'm working on forgiving myself even more. (random sidenote, when I was meeting with my old bishop for the first time in 10+ years he told me that Heavenly Father had already forgiven me. The forgiveness I was now seeking I would find within myself.)
So anyway. Back to today's events.
While driving into SL I spoke on the phone with previously mentioned friend. The whole time I tossed around ideas of what to do to my hair because that's where I was headed, to get my hair did by the lovely, talented and wonderful E. :) Should I chop it off? Dye it some crazy color? Leave it the same length? Good hell, what should I do?!?! Ha ha. Well, I had her take it back to dark. No more highlights for this girl, they're just not me right now. I also had her shorten it a good bit (mainly the back, a-line ish). I'm still fighting the urge for something more drastic. :). Anyone have any good suggestions for my hair because I'm all tapped out!
On a good (?) note, we have yet another appointment coming up with Dr EAGAR. I'm hoping for some better news this time. I have complete faith in all this. Even through the mornings like today and those rough fast Sunday meetings and all the pregnancy/birth announcements I still have this little glimmer of hope and faith that our turn is coming up and coming up quickly.
Today started off as a great day. I was able to 'sleep in' until 7:30 am (blasted dogs ha ha). I got ready slowly, started laundry and packed up my hair supplies. As I was walking the dogs I got an unexpected text from a very good friend announcing her pregnancy (her third) and asking me to call her when I had a few.
I wish I could say I was automatically excited for her. I wish I could say I couldn't wait to call her and tell her congrats. I wish I could say that one text didn't make me feel like shit.
I can't even count how many women I know that are expecting right now or how many recently had their little ones. I can't even count how many baby showers I've been invited to over the course of this TTC journey from hell.
In church, fast Sundays are BRUTAL. All these families get to bless their little ones and selfishly I sit there and wonder when it'll be my turn. When will LTL be up there with our familes blessing our little one? In our ward it seems like each fast Sunday there are like 5 baby blessings each time. (guess that's what I get for 1. Living in a condo and 2. Living in Evil Mtn. *sigh*) It's rough. Then naturally the mom gets us and bears her testimony on how wonderful it is that they would be blessed with such an amazing little person. It stings.
In the past I used to think I was being punished by God for all that time I was inactive. Punished for those years of stupid drunken behavior. In a way I guess I still feel that way. I'm working on forgiving myself even more. (random sidenote, when I was meeting with my old bishop for the first time in 10+ years he told me that Heavenly Father had already forgiven me. The forgiveness I was now seeking I would find within myself.)
So anyway. Back to today's events.
While driving into SL I spoke on the phone with previously mentioned friend. The whole time I tossed around ideas of what to do to my hair because that's where I was headed, to get my hair did by the lovely, talented and wonderful E. :) Should I chop it off? Dye it some crazy color? Leave it the same length? Good hell, what should I do?!?! Ha ha. Well, I had her take it back to dark. No more highlights for this girl, they're just not me right now. I also had her shorten it a good bit (mainly the back, a-line ish). I'm still fighting the urge for something more drastic. :). Anyone have any good suggestions for my hair because I'm all tapped out!
On a good (?) note, we have yet another appointment coming up with Dr EAGAR. I'm hoping for some better news this time. I have complete faith in all this. Even through the mornings like today and those rough fast Sunday meetings and all the pregnancy/birth announcements I still have this little glimmer of hope and faith that our turn is coming up and coming up quickly.
#1 March 29 2010
Infertility Awareness Kickoff Event!
I wanted soooooooo badly to go to this but I already have appointments scheduled that day at work so I'll have to pass.
I figured I'd post the info they had on the website in case anyone else is interested. It looks like they'll have some amazing talks from great professionals. The doctor's profile listed below is for the doctor LTL and I go to. He is AMAZING. Such a kind man. You can tell when you meet with him that he really cares. I'd read up on him before choosing him so this profile shouldn't have been a shock. I guess it was just a great reminder that we chose the right doctor. :)
Registration begins April 1 and there is NO cost. Seating is limited!
WHEN: April 24, 2010, 9:00 am to 12:00 pm.
WHERE: Health Science Education Center
Dr. EAGAR majored in Microbiology at BYU and studied Biochemistry at the University of Utah before earning his Doctor of Medicine degree from the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston (UTMB) in 1985. He then completed a four year residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at UTMB. During this time he served as chief administrative resident and was honored with the “Good as Gold” award for superior patient care.
Dr. EAGAR then completed a Fellowship in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at UCLA and Cedars-Sinai Medical Centers in Los Angeles completing the program in 1991. Dr EAGAR served as a full time faculty member at UCLA until 1996. While there he served as the acting director of the Fellowship Program in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility, and was also the director of the fertility clinic and endoscopy surgical services for the Department of OB/GYN at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center.
Dr. EAGAR is the founder of the RCandC, the first private practice infertility and IVF clinic in the state of HERE.
Sounds like a great guy, right? Dr EAGAR gives me HOPE. Something that'd been missing for a while. He's helped us with a plan of action. While in his office I feel a certain kind of peace. Sounds weird, I know but he has a calming presence. Maybe that's why he's in this particular profession. He can give really crappy test results and news to you and yet you still feel hope because he knows it'll happen for you. Whether it's with his help or not you get a sense that he knows you're on your way to your dream.
Ah maybe it's just me. I guess the point of me babbling right here is to say it and lay this out on the table, we got crappy news. News I'm not even going to discuss on here until the situation is fixed. And I KNOW it'll be fixed. Why? Because I have HOPE and FAITH.
I wanted soooooooo badly to go to this but I already have appointments scheduled that day at work so I'll have to pass.
I figured I'd post the info they had on the website in case anyone else is interested. It looks like they'll have some amazing talks from great professionals. The doctor's profile listed below is for the doctor LTL and I go to. He is AMAZING. Such a kind man. You can tell when you meet with him that he really cares. I'd read up on him before choosing him so this profile shouldn't have been a shock. I guess it was just a great reminder that we chose the right doctor. :)
Registration begins April 1 and there is NO cost. Seating is limited!
WHEN: April 24, 2010, 9:00 am to 12:00 pm.
WHERE: Health Science Education Center
Dr. EAGAR majored in Microbiology at BYU and studied Biochemistry at the University of Utah before earning his Doctor of Medicine degree from the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston (UTMB) in 1985. He then completed a four year residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at UTMB. During this time he served as chief administrative resident and was honored with the “Good as Gold” award for superior patient care.
Dr. EAGAR then completed a Fellowship in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at UCLA and Cedars-Sinai Medical Centers in Los Angeles completing the program in 1991. Dr EAGAR served as a full time faculty member at UCLA until 1996. While there he served as the acting director of the Fellowship Program in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility, and was also the director of the fertility clinic and endoscopy surgical services for the Department of OB/GYN at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center.
Dr. EAGAR is the founder of the RCandC, the first private practice infertility and IVF clinic in the state of HERE.
Sounds like a great guy, right? Dr EAGAR gives me HOPE. Something that'd been missing for a while. He's helped us with a plan of action. While in his office I feel a certain kind of peace. Sounds weird, I know but he has a calming presence. Maybe that's why he's in this particular profession. He can give really crappy test results and news to you and yet you still feel hope because he knows it'll happen for you. Whether it's with his help or not you get a sense that he knows you're on your way to your dream.
Ah maybe it's just me. I guess the point of me babbling right here is to say it and lay this out on the table, we got crappy news. News I'm not even going to discuss on here until the situation is fixed. And I KNOW it'll be fixed. Why? Because I have HOPE and FAITH.
March 16 2010
Speechless
Today is a day that's left me speechless. I'm finding it hard to grasp reality and quite frankly I'm reluctant to try.
I know one thing for sure. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. We will conquer all the trials placed before us.
Today is a day that's left me speechless. I'm finding it hard to grasp reality and quite frankly I'm reluctant to try.
I know one thing for sure. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. We will conquer all the trials placed before us.
February 14 2010
TMI
I've decided I should give people fair warning. I'm probably going to have a TON of TMI posts with all this stuff that's going on.
Lucky for everyone today is minor.
I have to say you know you're down the road of infertility testing and such when you have to take your Ovulation test kit with you to church. I had to excuse myself during the first hour to go pee on a stick. Ha ha. This whole experience definitely has it's hilarious moments.
I've decided I should give people fair warning. I'm probably going to have a TON of TMI posts with all this stuff that's going on.
Lucky for everyone today is minor.
I have to say you know you're down the road of infertility testing and such when you have to take your Ovulation test kit with you to church. I had to excuse myself during the first hour to go pee on a stick. Ha ha. This whole experience definitely has it's hilarious moments.
February 12 2010
Hmmmm.
On my way to work today I thought about what I said about the procedure I had done. I could have smacked myself. How dare I complain? I wanted to go to the specialist (in the sense of I wanted to move forward) I wanted to do whatever was needed to find out what's wrong and since I know LTL and I can't start our family on our own I want to do this. I have no right to complain about these procedures. There are other couples that have been through much worse. WHEN I get pregnant I'd like to invite each of you to smack me upside the head should I ever complain about being pregnant. :) So, sorry for yesterday's complaint. :)
On my way to work today I thought about what I said about the procedure I had done. I could have smacked myself. How dare I complain? I wanted to go to the specialist (in the sense of I wanted to move forward) I wanted to do whatever was needed to find out what's wrong and since I know LTL and I can't start our family on our own I want to do this. I have no right to complain about these procedures. There are other couples that have been through much worse. WHEN I get pregnant I'd like to invite each of you to smack me upside the head should I ever complain about being pregnant. :) So, sorry for yesterday's complaint. :)
February 11 2010
Thursday
Here is my first brief attempt blogging via my iPhone. Hopefully it works well.....
My oh my. I now have even more respect for the women who have gone through these tests/procedures. I hope i dont have to do it again and if I do then I want better drugs! Lol. Ibuprofen and a valium just didnt do enough for me. It was super uncomfortable and yeah..... I totally cried. Although I'm not sure if it was because of having held back emotions all day/week or what.
Here is my first brief attempt blogging via my iPhone. Hopefully it works well.....
My oh my. I now have even more respect for the women who have gone through these tests/procedures. I hope i dont have to do it again and if I do then I want better drugs! Lol. Ibuprofen and a valium just didnt do enough for me. It was super uncomfortable and yeah..... I totally cried. Although I'm not sure if it was because of having held back emotions all day/week or what.
February 5 2010
A VERY brief update
Saw the specialist over a week ago. We now have a plan of action! I go in for a test/procedure (HSG) on Thursday to check for blockages in my uterus and tubes. It's weird to say this but I hope they see something that will explain the problems we've had conceiving. :) I'm SO nervous to have the procedure done but I'm also very excited. LTL is so very thoughtful and considerate. He's been extra supportive with everything, I couldn't ask for a better husband and friend. So anyway, YAY for moving forward and having an awesome doctor that's 'cautiously optimistic' and has a plan of action. It's about time!
Saw the specialist over a week ago. We now have a plan of action! I go in for a test/procedure (HSG) on Thursday to check for blockages in my uterus and tubes. It's weird to say this but I hope they see something that will explain the problems we've had conceiving. :) I'm SO nervous to have the procedure done but I'm also very excited. LTL is so very thoughtful and considerate. He's been extra supportive with everything, I couldn't ask for a better husband and friend. So anyway, YAY for moving forward and having an awesome doctor that's 'cautiously optimistic' and has a plan of action. It's about time!
January 9 2010
2009
I've always thought it was interesting when people would look back over the past year and go month by month and remember what happened each month. So, if you like that kind of stuff, you're in luck. If not, wait till tomorrow and I will post pictures. :)
January - LTL had just barely joined the Air Force and we were on pins and needles waiting to hear when he'd go to Basic.
February - Nothing much happened that I can remember, we house sat for LTL's parents while they went with friends on a cruise. It happened to be over Valentines day. We hung out with friends for a while and made some pretty hilarious sugar cookies. :)
March - I think this was the month I started Clomid but I'm not sure. It must have been February when I started, oops. The 'wait' period was over. I had such high hopes that month. I think LTL was more reserved with everything. He's MUCH better than I am at remaining calm and collected. We also found out when he'd be leaving for BMT. I started getting upset about the whole thing. (Yes, I am in fact a softie when it comes to things like this)
April - I can't even think of anything super important that happened this month. Haha. It was another shot at Clomid. Looking back at my blogs posts for April I was SUPER stressed. Things at work were wearing on me. Things in Evil Mtn were getting to me. I had been told by someone that a lady in our ward (that I had never met but she had a position in the R.S. so I knew who she was or at least she used to be in the R.S. or something) had said some rather unkind things. Apparently she decided I was "that girl with the tattoos" and asked people what they thought of me. I think this was the month I took a step back from going to church.
May - LTL and I took a little day trip up near Strawberry. It was the first time we were able to take the top off the Wrangler. Actually, I think it was to ONLY time we did. Haha. We tried to spend as much time together this month as possible since he'd be leaving the next month. (Also, more Clomid)
June - June 4th was our 1 yr anniversary. :) I don't know why people say the first year is so hard... we did it REALLY well and I love him more and more each day. We took a trip to Moab and were able to get away from everything for a little bit. June 16th our lives changed a ton. LTL left that morning for BMT. It was the hardest thing I've done so far. I thought I could maintain composure until I got out of the airport and into my car but all it took was him hugging me and I started sobbing. The rest of that day I locked myself in my condo and started watching Season 1 of Scrubs. (Last round of Clomid this month. Found out one week after he had left that something didn't work and I was being told to go to the specialist. Heartbreaking day)
July - Depression set in. Bleh. Nasty stuff. I got to talk to LTL for the first time since he left July 4th. I was going CRAZY not knowing if things were okay. On the 4th we had my family's brunch thing. After everyone had left my brother 'I' and I decided to drive up to cherry hill. He was so good about trying to take my mind off things.
August - FINALLY I was going to get to see LTL! I flew down to Texas with his parents and little brother 'G' and little sister 'L'. It was a ROUGH trip. My MIL and I both have strong personalities (OK that's an understatement for me). We also both like to be in control. Lets just say we won't be doing that again anytime soon. LTL flew home the same day we did. He had found out he'd be waiting to go to technical school. I went back to school for fall semester. Baby C was born to 'J & K' (Brother and sister in law). :)
September - BIRTHDAY BOY! LTL turned 24. (YES. I'm older than him.) We took what started as a day trip up near Park City with JJW and RW. It ended up being an overnighter. It was a BLAST. I hope we can do it again this year.
October - This blog went private and I opened up. Yikes. This month also marked our one year of TTC or being off BC, whichever you'd like to call it.
November - Thanksgiving. We spent it split between the two families. Hopefully we won't be doing that much longer, it's too stressful. This was the month I had a little meltdown with LTL. Boy oh boy he is such a patient husband. We came to the agreement that I would set up an appointment to see the specialist to find out what's 'wrong' with me.
December - I turned 28. Bleh. This getting older thing kinda sucks. I'm nearing 30 and scared to death of it! I talked to my Dr and decided to try one more month of Clomid before my appointment next month. Blood tests came back saying Clomid did it's job but still no luck this month. I got a new addition on the 8th. :) Stargazer lily and Calla lilies. Yes it has meaning to me and no I won't be posting pictures of it for a while. :) We went to the Forgotten Carols with LTL's family, I really enjoyed it! Christmas was great. Spent time with both families. We went to a movie that night with 'L' and 'G'.
Sorry this is all I've got so far. 2009 can kiss my ass. I'm ready for 2010.
I've always thought it was interesting when people would look back over the past year and go month by month and remember what happened each month. So, if you like that kind of stuff, you're in luck. If not, wait till tomorrow and I will post pictures. :)
January - LTL had just barely joined the Air Force and we were on pins and needles waiting to hear when he'd go to Basic.
February - Nothing much happened that I can remember, we house sat for LTL's parents while they went with friends on a cruise. It happened to be over Valentines day. We hung out with friends for a while and made some pretty hilarious sugar cookies. :)
March - I think this was the month I started Clomid but I'm not sure. It must have been February when I started, oops. The 'wait' period was over. I had such high hopes that month. I think LTL was more reserved with everything. He's MUCH better than I am at remaining calm and collected. We also found out when he'd be leaving for BMT. I started getting upset about the whole thing. (Yes, I am in fact a softie when it comes to things like this)
April - I can't even think of anything super important that happened this month. Haha. It was another shot at Clomid. Looking back at my blogs posts for April I was SUPER stressed. Things at work were wearing on me. Things in Evil Mtn were getting to me. I had been told by someone that a lady in our ward (that I had never met but she had a position in the R.S. so I knew who she was or at least she used to be in the R.S. or something) had said some rather unkind things. Apparently she decided I was "that girl with the tattoos" and asked people what they thought of me. I think this was the month I took a step back from going to church.
May - LTL and I took a little day trip up near Strawberry. It was the first time we were able to take the top off the Wrangler. Actually, I think it was to ONLY time we did. Haha. We tried to spend as much time together this month as possible since he'd be leaving the next month. (Also, more Clomid)
June - June 4th was our 1 yr anniversary. :) I don't know why people say the first year is so hard... we did it REALLY well and I love him more and more each day. We took a trip to Moab and were able to get away from everything for a little bit. June 16th our lives changed a ton. LTL left that morning for BMT. It was the hardest thing I've done so far. I thought I could maintain composure until I got out of the airport and into my car but all it took was him hugging me and I started sobbing. The rest of that day I locked myself in my condo and started watching Season 1 of Scrubs. (Last round of Clomid this month. Found out one week after he had left that something didn't work and I was being told to go to the specialist. Heartbreaking day)
July - Depression set in. Bleh. Nasty stuff. I got to talk to LTL for the first time since he left July 4th. I was going CRAZY not knowing if things were okay. On the 4th we had my family's brunch thing. After everyone had left my brother 'I' and I decided to drive up to cherry hill. He was so good about trying to take my mind off things.
August - FINALLY I was going to get to see LTL! I flew down to Texas with his parents and little brother 'G' and little sister 'L'. It was a ROUGH trip. My MIL and I both have strong personalities (OK that's an understatement for me). We also both like to be in control. Lets just say we won't be doing that again anytime soon. LTL flew home the same day we did. He had found out he'd be waiting to go to technical school. I went back to school for fall semester. Baby C was born to 'J & K' (Brother and sister in law). :)
September - BIRTHDAY BOY! LTL turned 24. (YES. I'm older than him.) We took what started as a day trip up near Park City with JJW and RW. It ended up being an overnighter. It was a BLAST. I hope we can do it again this year.
October - This blog went private and I opened up. Yikes. This month also marked our one year of TTC or being off BC, whichever you'd like to call it.
November - Thanksgiving. We spent it split between the two families. Hopefully we won't be doing that much longer, it's too stressful. This was the month I had a little meltdown with LTL. Boy oh boy he is such a patient husband. We came to the agreement that I would set up an appointment to see the specialist to find out what's 'wrong' with me.
December - I turned 28. Bleh. This getting older thing kinda sucks. I'm nearing 30 and scared to death of it! I talked to my Dr and decided to try one more month of Clomid before my appointment next month. Blood tests came back saying Clomid did it's job but still no luck this month. I got a new addition on the 8th. :) Stargazer lily and Calla lilies. Yes it has meaning to me and no I won't be posting pictures of it for a while. :) We went to the Forgotten Carols with LTL's family, I really enjoyed it! Christmas was great. Spent time with both families. We went to a movie that night with 'L' and 'G'.
Sorry this is all I've got so far. 2009 can kiss my ass. I'm ready for 2010.
October 13 2009
I wear a Moonstone pendant....
Why? Well, not just because it's pretty. Different crystals/stones are said to have different healing properties.Typically I'd poo poo this kind of nonsense after all I am a firm believer in science and things that can be tested and at some point proven.
Moonstone is said to be a 'feminine' stone. It is supposed to balance the hormones and to help with fertility. Get where I'm going with this?
No, I'm not pregnant. But I'd sure like to be. (Note: this is one of those things I would hope you'd be respectful enough to not discuss to ANYONE but me. To talk to anyone else about this or to spread any sort of info will cause you to get bounced off the blog list and be uninvited. Sorry for the 'threat' it's just THAT important to me.)
I know none of you know this so I'll explain my choice in deciding to try this stone, my doctor has referred me to a 'specialist', a fertility clinic as we have been trying for about a year. (shocked ya, right?) LTL and I made the decision somewhere between September and October of last year to give up birth control and see what would happen. Things weren't on the right cycle (I'm talking instead of 28 days I was at 40-50, SO not 'normal'!). I have a wonderful OB/GYN that recognized that there could be a problem, (he is my sister's doctor and he sent her to a specialist as well about 7 years ago, she now has an almost 6 year old little boy that is the product on in-vitro and he is AMAZING). Anyway, he asked me to wait 3 months before moving onto the next step. Those were 3 incredibly long and emotional months. At the end I called my doc and he suggested I try Clomid for 5-6 months. I did and boy let me tell you I hated it. It was nice knowing I was 'normal' but at one point I had this horrible emotional breakdown and poor LTL felt the hormonal wrath. The hot flashes were also terrible. Well, the time passed and I ran out of the prescription so it was time to call the doctor back. (mind you this part happened while LTL was in basic training and I couldn't even tell him that the last round hadn't worked) The nurse told me that the doctor was now referring me to a specialist. A doctor specializing in infertility. Naturally I made an appointment ASAP. About 2 weeks before the apointment I rescheduled. Right before that appointment I rescheduled. My last appointment was supposed to be September 12th, I cancelled. I don't know why exactly but I did and suddenly I'm okay with it. Its like all the sudden I'm beginning to be able to cope with this. I'm not ready to go to the specialist and in all honesty, I don't think I need to. So I've decided to go down the 'alternative' route. Why not? I figure I've got nothing to lose.
Sidenote- This whole 'issue' has made it incredibly difficult to go to church and even maintain friendships. How many times can I sit through church/work/etc with all the babies and kids around? Even all these baby bumps protruding are hard to be around at times. I've backed off with church and I think I'm finally to the point where I'm going to try to go to more than just the first hour this next time. I may chicken out but we'll see.
I don't think you are ever able to fully understand what soemone's going through until you go through it yourself. NOTHING compares to fertility issues and by fertility issues I mean the whole grabbag unable to conceive and miscarriage to name a few. And of course it's going to be different for everyone. I was extremely bitter for a while. I couldn't understand how someone who is clearly unfit or on drugs or other various things could have a baby and I couldn't. Here LTL and I have this awesome marriage and are doing really well with our lives and we can't...YET. I've begun to come to terms with it all. Things happen for a reason and I need to believe and trust in that. It's hard but I have to for my own sanity.
Overload of info? YES. Sorry for the ramblings. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this locked away in your mind and don't share ANY of it. I don't appreciate gossip and this post was incredibly hard for me to write. I don't open up much to anyone and I don't like being vulnerable.
Why? Well, not just because it's pretty. Different crystals/stones are said to have different healing properties.Typically I'd poo poo this kind of nonsense after all I am a firm believer in science and things that can be tested and at some point proven.
Moonstone is said to be a 'feminine' stone. It is supposed to balance the hormones and to help with fertility. Get where I'm going with this?
No, I'm not pregnant. But I'd sure like to be. (Note: this is one of those things I would hope you'd be respectful enough to not discuss to ANYONE but me. To talk to anyone else about this or to spread any sort of info will cause you to get bounced off the blog list and be uninvited. Sorry for the 'threat' it's just THAT important to me.)
I know none of you know this so I'll explain my choice in deciding to try this stone, my doctor has referred me to a 'specialist', a fertility clinic as we have been trying for about a year. (shocked ya, right?) LTL and I made the decision somewhere between September and October of last year to give up birth control and see what would happen. Things weren't on the right cycle (I'm talking instead of 28 days I was at 40-50, SO not 'normal'!). I have a wonderful OB/GYN that recognized that there could be a problem, (he is my sister's doctor and he sent her to a specialist as well about 7 years ago, she now has an almost 6 year old little boy that is the product on in-vitro and he is AMAZING). Anyway, he asked me to wait 3 months before moving onto the next step. Those were 3 incredibly long and emotional months. At the end I called my doc and he suggested I try Clomid for 5-6 months. I did and boy let me tell you I hated it. It was nice knowing I was 'normal' but at one point I had this horrible emotional breakdown and poor LTL felt the hormonal wrath. The hot flashes were also terrible. Well, the time passed and I ran out of the prescription so it was time to call the doctor back. (mind you this part happened while LTL was in basic training and I couldn't even tell him that the last round hadn't worked) The nurse told me that the doctor was now referring me to a specialist. A doctor specializing in infertility. Naturally I made an appointment ASAP. About 2 weeks before the apointment I rescheduled. Right before that appointment I rescheduled. My last appointment was supposed to be September 12th, I cancelled. I don't know why exactly but I did and suddenly I'm okay with it. Its like all the sudden I'm beginning to be able to cope with this. I'm not ready to go to the specialist and in all honesty, I don't think I need to. So I've decided to go down the 'alternative' route. Why not? I figure I've got nothing to lose.
Sidenote- This whole 'issue' has made it incredibly difficult to go to church and even maintain friendships. How many times can I sit through church/work/etc with all the babies and kids around? Even all these baby bumps protruding are hard to be around at times. I've backed off with church and I think I'm finally to the point where I'm going to try to go to more than just the first hour this next time. I may chicken out but we'll see.
I don't think you are ever able to fully understand what soemone's going through until you go through it yourself. NOTHING compares to fertility issues and by fertility issues I mean the whole grabbag unable to conceive and miscarriage to name a few. And of course it's going to be different for everyone. I was extremely bitter for a while. I couldn't understand how someone who is clearly unfit or on drugs or other various things could have a baby and I couldn't. Here LTL and I have this awesome marriage and are doing really well with our lives and we can't...YET. I've begun to come to terms with it all. Things happen for a reason and I need to believe and trust in that. It's hard but I have to for my own sanity.
Overload of info? YES. Sorry for the ramblings. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this locked away in your mind and don't share ANY of it. I don't appreciate gossip and this post was incredibly hard for me to write. I don't open up much to anyone and I don't like being vulnerable.
September 30 2009
WTF
Seriously, another 5 or so added to the list? Almost all at once. Wow. I thougth I'd gotten over shit. Clearly not. I thought I'd come to terms. Thought I'd mellowed. Thought I was fine with how things had been playing out. Yeah, I'm not.
Comments closed as I don't want any comments or any emails. Didn't type this for anyone but myself. Needed an outlet and this was really the only one accessible at the moment.
Seriously, another 5 or so added to the list? Almost all at once. Wow. I thougth I'd gotten over shit. Clearly not. I thought I'd come to terms. Thought I'd mellowed. Thought I was fine with how things had been playing out. Yeah, I'm not.
Comments closed as I don't want any comments or any emails. Didn't type this for anyone but myself. Needed an outlet and this was really the only one accessible at the moment.
July 3rd 2009
Little insight
Just a warning, this post jumps all over the place...
I had some time to kill this evening.
I hopped online and began reading a few blogs that I like to 'frequent'. Each one I read had a little bit of inspiration woven somewhere inside and I needed it more than I realized. The quotes I found are listed at the very end of this post. First off, a little info on my life these days.
I have been bombarded with questions of how I'm doing these days. If I've told you I'm fine and things are okay, I LIED. It wasn't to be rude it was in hopes that I could convince myself that I was in fact fine and things were okay. It was more of a lie to myself than it was to anyone else. In an attempt to feel better I though it was time to get this off my chest. Here goes....
The past little bit (since June 16th to be exact) has been hard. Ok ok it's been hell. Ever since 'that day' I have found myself crying at the most random moments. It's triggered by such simple little things, a song my iPod randomly chooses, a drive in 'his' car, a movie he would like, an e-mail from the missionaries at the base, my engagement and wedding ring, finally getting the dvd filled with pictures of our engagements and wedding day and really ANYTHING.
Being at home is both extremely hard and somewhat comforting. It sucks coming home to an empty house. (dogs don't count) Yet I have found myself not wanting to be around people. The first few days he was gone I tried my hardest to avoid people. Not because I don't like these people but I just couldn't talk without coming to tears and a lot of people don't/can't understand. Much to my surprise I had support from someone I barely knew. It was/has been great to have little tid bits of encouragement from her. You know exactly who you are, THANK YOU.
I've been drifting through my days at work. I go in, do my work and leave. It feels like something is missing. I love my work but lately I feel so distracted. A friend/coworker commented to me today as we were mixing color, she said soemthing to the effect of 'you're having a rough time aren't you?'. What had given it away you might ask? I walked into work with my headphones on and my music blaring trying to numb the anxiety I had acquired on my drive into work today. Which reminds me, I HATE anxiety.
Aside from the obvious dilemna discussed above, there have been a couple other issues, ones I'm not quite ready to discuss on here. Maybe someday, but not today. It's nothing major, just super personal and as I'm not sure exactly who checks out this blog I'd rather not advertise. It's practically killing me not being able to tell LTL all this. I'm trying my best to not unload all this crap on him as I want him to be able to focus on getting through basic. Which reminds me, why in the hell have I not gotten a letter from him? UGH! I feel like my mind is seriously being f-ed with. Whatev.
Here are a few wonderful gems I found tonight...
“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.” -- Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.God is awake."-- Victor Hugo
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." --Joseph F. Smith
"The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by." -- George Q. Cannon.
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exhalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes [D&C 121:78]
"All these things shall give thee experience," the Lord explained, "and shall be for thy good" [D&C 122:7]
"When we are pushed, stung, defeated, embarrased, hurt, rejected, tormented, forgotten--when we are in agony of spirit crying out "why me?" we are in a position to learn something [Cannon, Adversity, p.47
PAIN
Pain stayed so long I said to him today, "I will not have you with me any more." I stamped my foot and said, "Be on you way." And paused there startled as the look he wore, "I, who have been your friend," He said to me, "I, who have been your teacher---all you know of understanding love, of sympathy, and patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?" He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest; I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise, he left a heart grown tender in my breast, He left a far, clear vision in my eyes. I dried my tears, and lifted up a song--Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
Written by, Spencer W. Kimball
Just a warning, this post jumps all over the place...
I had some time to kill this evening.
I hopped online and began reading a few blogs that I like to 'frequent'. Each one I read had a little bit of inspiration woven somewhere inside and I needed it more than I realized. The quotes I found are listed at the very end of this post. First off, a little info on my life these days.
I have been bombarded with questions of how I'm doing these days. If I've told you I'm fine and things are okay, I LIED. It wasn't to be rude it was in hopes that I could convince myself that I was in fact fine and things were okay. It was more of a lie to myself than it was to anyone else. In an attempt to feel better I though it was time to get this off my chest. Here goes....
The past little bit (since June 16th to be exact) has been hard. Ok ok it's been hell. Ever since 'that day' I have found myself crying at the most random moments. It's triggered by such simple little things, a song my iPod randomly chooses, a drive in 'his' car, a movie he would like, an e-mail from the missionaries at the base, my engagement and wedding ring, finally getting the dvd filled with pictures of our engagements and wedding day and really ANYTHING.
Being at home is both extremely hard and somewhat comforting. It sucks coming home to an empty house. (dogs don't count) Yet I have found myself not wanting to be around people. The first few days he was gone I tried my hardest to avoid people. Not because I don't like these people but I just couldn't talk without coming to tears and a lot of people don't/can't understand. Much to my surprise I had support from someone I barely knew. It was/has been great to have little tid bits of encouragement from her. You know exactly who you are, THANK YOU.
I've been drifting through my days at work. I go in, do my work and leave. It feels like something is missing. I love my work but lately I feel so distracted. A friend/coworker commented to me today as we were mixing color, she said soemthing to the effect of 'you're having a rough time aren't you?'. What had given it away you might ask? I walked into work with my headphones on and my music blaring trying to numb the anxiety I had acquired on my drive into work today. Which reminds me, I HATE anxiety.
Aside from the obvious dilemna discussed above, there have been a couple other issues, ones I'm not quite ready to discuss on here. Maybe someday, but not today. It's nothing major, just super personal and as I'm not sure exactly who checks out this blog I'd rather not advertise. It's practically killing me not being able to tell LTL all this. I'm trying my best to not unload all this crap on him as I want him to be able to focus on getting through basic. Which reminds me, why in the hell have I not gotten a letter from him? UGH! I feel like my mind is seriously being f-ed with. Whatev.
Here are a few wonderful gems I found tonight...
“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.” -- Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.God is awake."-- Victor Hugo
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." --Joseph F. Smith
"The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by." -- George Q. Cannon.
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exhalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes [D&C 121:78]
"All these things shall give thee experience," the Lord explained, "and shall be for thy good" [D&C 122:7]
"When we are pushed, stung, defeated, embarrased, hurt, rejected, tormented, forgotten--when we are in agony of spirit crying out "why me?" we are in a position to learn something [Cannon, Adversity, p.47
PAIN
Pain stayed so long I said to him today, "I will not have you with me any more." I stamped my foot and said, "Be on you way." And paused there startled as the look he wore, "I, who have been your friend," He said to me, "I, who have been your teacher---all you know of understanding love, of sympathy, and patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?" He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest; I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise, he left a heart grown tender in my breast, He left a far, clear vision in my eyes. I dried my tears, and lifted up a song--Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
Written by, Spencer W. Kimball
Beginning
I've toyed with the idea of starting and IF blog. I wasn't sure if I should as we didn't stay in the land of testing and treatment very long. We got a pretty solid diagnosis and with that.. we were done down that road. So I'll be posting a few older posts from my other blog that is private. Then I'll continue with current events.
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