#2 March 29 2010

Today and MORE
Today started off as a great day. I was able to 'sleep in' until 7:30 am (blasted dogs ha ha). I got ready slowly, started laundry and packed up my hair supplies. As I was walking the dogs I got an unexpected text from a very good friend announcing her pregnancy (her third) and asking me to call her when I had a few.

I wish I could say I was automatically excited for her. I wish I could say I couldn't wait to call her and tell her congrats. I wish I could say that one text didn't make me feel like shit.

I can't even count how many women I know that are expecting right now or how many recently had their little ones. I can't even count how many baby showers I've been invited to over the course of this TTC journey from hell.

In church, fast Sundays are BRUTAL. All these families get to bless their little ones and selfishly I sit there and wonder when it'll be my turn. When will LTL be up there with our familes blessing our little one? In our ward it seems like each fast Sunday there are like 5 baby blessings each time. (guess that's what I get for 1. Living in a condo and 2. Living in Evil Mtn. *sigh*) It's rough. Then naturally the mom gets us and bears her testimony on how wonderful it is that they would be blessed with such an amazing little person. It stings.

In the past I used to think I was being punished by God for all that time I was inactive. Punished for those years of stupid drunken behavior. In a way I guess I still feel that way. I'm working on forgiving myself even more. (random sidenote, when I was meeting with my old bishop for the first time in 10+ years he told me that Heavenly Father had already forgiven me. The forgiveness I was now seeking I would find within myself.)

So anyway. Back to today's events.

While driving into SL I spoke on the phone with previously mentioned friend. The whole time I tossed around ideas of what to do to my hair because that's where I was headed, to get my hair did by the lovely, talented and wonderful E. :) Should I chop it off? Dye it some crazy color? Leave it the same length? Good hell, what should I do?!?! Ha ha. Well, I had her take it back to dark. No more highlights for this girl, they're just not me right now. I also had her shorten it a good bit (mainly the back, a-line ish). I'm still fighting the urge for something more drastic. :). Anyone have any good suggestions for my hair because I'm all tapped out!

On a good (?) note, we have yet another appointment coming up with Dr EAGAR. I'm hoping for some better news this time. I have complete faith in all this. Even through the mornings like today and those rough fast Sunday meetings and all the pregnancy/birth announcements I still have this little glimmer of hope and faith that our turn is coming up and coming up quickly.