December 12 2010

Every once in a while..
Every once in a while I day dream about LTL and I having a biological baby.

It happened while on my way home from my work Christmas dinner.

It was strange. Nobody there is preg. Pretty sure they all know about the adoption plan LTL and I have. Yet as I got closer and closer to home my mind wandered.

What ifs consumed my mind and soul.

Would she/he (I often think it'd be a she) have his eyes? I always thought she would, his are an AMAZING color.
Would she have my hair color and dimple?
What about self confidence? I'd hope she would inherit his, it's amazing.
I'd hope she'd inherit my passion for science. A self proclaimed nerd. :) I'd hope she'd use it wisely to make us (and Grandpa H) proud.
Would she love soccer like I did? Or join the swim team like LTL did?
Would she be as adventurous as LTL?
Would she inherit my loose joints? I'd hope not. Haha.
What about teeth? Would she get strong teeth like LTL?

I guess in a way it's still hard sometimes to think that we'll never know how awesome a job our DNA could do when combined. It feels like at times I still mourn the loss of what will never be. It's hard to move on.

It's been almost 8 months since we decided to stop fertility treatments. I don't regret our choice. Not even for a minute. I just wish sometimes that we didn't have to make that type of choice at all.

I still have a hard time listening to pregnant women talk about their pregnancy. At work if a client is I try to walk away. I DO in fact 'hide' all the pregnant women I know on Facebook. The pics and updates are too much. I still have a hard talk even talking to women I know that are preg. It's not that I'm not happy for them and wonder how they are because I do. I just can't bring myself to be social with them right now. Still too painful.

Now with Christmas approaching everywhere is filled with reminders that we are celebrating as a family of 2 with no idea of when it'll be for 3.

Sorry for a downer post. Better luck in hoping for a good happy post after New Years.