October 13 2009

I wear a Moonstone pendant....
Why? Well, not just because it's pretty. Different crystals/stones are said to have different healing properties.Typically I'd poo poo this kind of nonsense after all I am a firm believer in science and things that can be tested and at some point proven.

Moonstone is said to be a 'feminine' stone. It is supposed to balance the hormones and to help with fertility. Get where I'm going with this?

No, I'm not pregnant. But I'd sure like to be. (Note: this is one of those things I would hope you'd be respectful enough to not discuss to ANYONE but me. To talk to anyone else about this or to spread any sort of info will cause you to get bounced off the blog list and be uninvited. Sorry for the 'threat' it's just THAT important to me.)

I know none of you know this so I'll explain my choice in deciding to try this stone, my doctor has referred me to a 'specialist', a fertility clinic as we have been trying for about a year. (shocked ya, right?) LTL and I made the decision somewhere between September and October of last year to give up birth control and see what would happen. Things weren't on the right cycle (I'm talking instead of 28 days I was at 40-50, SO not 'normal'!). I have a wonderful OB/GYN that recognized that there could be a problem, (he is my sister's doctor and he sent her to a specialist as well about 7 years ago, she now has an almost 6 year old little boy that is the product on in-vitro and he is AMAZING). Anyway, he asked me to wait 3 months before moving onto the next step. Those were 3 incredibly long and emotional months. At the end I called my doc and he suggested I try Clomid for 5-6 months. I did and boy let me tell you I hated it. It was nice knowing I was 'normal' but at one point I had this horrible emotional breakdown and poor LTL felt the hormonal wrath. The hot flashes were also terrible. Well, the time passed and I ran out of the prescription so it was time to call the doctor back. (mind you this part happened while LTL was in basic training and I couldn't even tell him that the last round hadn't worked) The nurse told me that the doctor was now referring me to a specialist. A doctor specializing in infertility. Naturally I made an appointment ASAP. About 2 weeks before the apointment I rescheduled. Right before that appointment I rescheduled. My last appointment was supposed to be September 12th, I cancelled. I don't know why exactly but I did and suddenly I'm okay with it. Its like all the sudden I'm beginning to be able to cope with this. I'm not ready to go to the specialist and in all honesty, I don't think I need to. So I've decided to go down the 'alternative' route. Why not? I figure I've got nothing to lose.

Sidenote- This whole 'issue' has made it incredibly difficult to go to church and even maintain friendships. How many times can I sit through church/work/etc with all the babies and kids around? Even all these baby bumps protruding are hard to be around at times. I've backed off with church and I think I'm finally to the point where I'm going to try to go to more than just the first hour this next time. I may chicken out but we'll see.

I don't think you are ever able to fully understand what soemone's going through until you go through it yourself. NOTHING compares to fertility issues and by fertility issues I mean the whole grabbag unable to conceive and miscarriage to name a few. And of course it's going to be different for everyone. I was extremely bitter for a while. I couldn't understand how someone who is clearly unfit or on drugs or other various things could have a baby and I couldn't. Here LTL and I have this awesome marriage and are doing really well with our lives and we can't...YET. I've begun to come to terms with it all. Things happen for a reason and I need to believe and trust in that. It's hard but I have to for my own sanity.

Overload of info? YES. Sorry for the ramblings. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this locked away in your mind and don't share ANY of it. I don't appreciate gossip and this post was incredibly hard for me to write. I don't open up much to anyone and I don't like being vulnerable.