Little insight
Just a warning, this post jumps all over the place...
I had some time to kill this evening.
I hopped online and began reading a few blogs that I like to 'frequent'. Each one I read had a little bit of inspiration woven somewhere inside and I needed it more than I realized. The quotes I found are listed at the very end of this post. First off, a little info on my life these days.
I have been bombarded with questions of how I'm doing these days. If I've told you I'm fine and things are okay, I LIED. It wasn't to be rude it was in hopes that I could convince myself that I was in fact fine and things were okay. It was more of a lie to myself than it was to anyone else. In an attempt to feel better I though it was time to get this off my chest. Here goes....
The past little bit (since June 16th to be exact) has been hard. Ok ok it's been hell. Ever since 'that day' I have found myself crying at the most random moments. It's triggered by such simple little things, a song my iPod randomly chooses, a drive in 'his' car, a movie he would like, an e-mail from the missionaries at the base, my engagement and wedding ring, finally getting the dvd filled with pictures of our engagements and wedding day and really ANYTHING.
Being at home is both extremely hard and somewhat comforting. It sucks coming home to an empty house. (dogs don't count) Yet I have found myself not wanting to be around people. The first few days he was gone I tried my hardest to avoid people. Not because I don't like these people but I just couldn't talk without coming to tears and a lot of people don't/can't understand. Much to my surprise I had support from someone I barely knew. It was/has been great to have little tid bits of encouragement from her. You know exactly who you are, THANK YOU.
I've been drifting through my days at work. I go in, do my work and leave. It feels like something is missing. I love my work but lately I feel so distracted. A friend/coworker commented to me today as we were mixing color, she said soemthing to the effect of 'you're having a rough time aren't you?'. What had given it away you might ask? I walked into work with my headphones on and my music blaring trying to numb the anxiety I had acquired on my drive into work today. Which reminds me, I HATE anxiety.
Aside from the obvious dilemna discussed above, there have been a couple other issues, ones I'm not quite ready to discuss on here. Maybe someday, but not today. It's nothing major, just super personal and as I'm not sure exactly who checks out this blog I'd rather not advertise. It's practically killing me not being able to tell LTL all this. I'm trying my best to not unload all this crap on him as I want him to be able to focus on getting through basic. Which reminds me, why in the hell have I not gotten a letter from him? UGH! I feel like my mind is seriously being f-ed with. Whatev.
Here are a few wonderful gems I found tonight...
“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.” -- Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.God is awake."-- Victor Hugo
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." --Joseph F. Smith
"The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by." -- George Q. Cannon.
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exhalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes [D&C 121:78]
"All these things shall give thee experience," the Lord explained, "and shall be for thy good" [D&C 122:7]
"When we are pushed, stung, defeated, embarrased, hurt, rejected, tormented, forgotten--when we are in agony of spirit crying out "why me?" we are in a position to learn something [Cannon, Adversity, p.47
PAIN
Pain stayed so long I said to him today, "I will not have you with me any more." I stamped my foot and said, "Be on you way." And paused there startled as the look he wore, "I, who have been your friend," He said to me, "I, who have been your teacher---all you know of understanding love, of sympathy, and patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?" He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest; I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise, he left a heart grown tender in my breast, He left a far, clear vision in my eyes. I dried my tears, and lifted up a song--Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
Written by, Spencer W. Kimball
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