August 2 2010

A ranting/depressing sort of post.
Having issues sleeping at the moment. Too many naps today. So I'm gonna vent.

“That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph: and that which make our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness. The only true happiness is to learn, to advance, and to improve: which could not happen unless we had commence with error, ignorance, and imperfection. We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.”
Albert Pike (American Lawyer, Journalist and Soldier, 1809-1891)
A quote I stole from LTL's facebook page. It makes so much sense but after reading I still want to break out into non-stop tears. But I won't.

I'm sick of our 'trial'. I'm sick of this heartache. I'm sick of this 'imperfection'. I'm sick of hearing 'it'll happen on God's time' , 'it's all in God's plan'. Those that say things like that can take it and effing shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
The only response I can think to give upon being told those things is 'eff that. I don't accept it.' I don't know that I'll ever accept it. I've heard those things a LOT lately and wonder, in what world is it EVER ok to say something like that to someone? It's like you're discounting their feelings.

I think I jumped the gun when I said I was ok with our decision. I mean I AM ok with it but it doesn't make things less painful and I really thought it would. I feel like once a week when something is thrown into my face I mourn. I mourn what never was and what will never be. To say people in my situation don't understand loss is to say the Pope isn't Catholic. It's a stupid statement and it shows how big an ass people can be.

I've been lying to myself and probably everyone else. I must have been. I've come to realize this month that I haven't completely dealt with things. I've just been hiding it all trying to be strong. It's been even harder because my 'rock' isn't here. He's not here to give me a hug, say things will be okay, tell me he feels the same and just let me cry on his shoulder.

I tried to start the adoption process with LDSFS. I tried to get the paperwork cranked out. They won't let me because LTL is out of state. They don't care that it's for military reasons. They don't care that we knew of a birthmother that had expressed interest in us. They just didn't care. It was devastating.
It's been a ridiculous 6 weeks.
Luckily there have been some good times with good friends and family. Sadly there have been some horrible times that shake my beliefs to the core.
Bleh. Time to peace out for the night/morning. G'night cruel world. I'll see you in the morning.