So about 10 min after I posted the previous post I had a nice little breakdown at the family Easter dinner. I feel like I should celebrate seeing as how it was my first breakdown in front of that many family members. What makes it 'EXTRA' special is the fact that it wasn't even my family. It was LTL's.
Here's what happened.. or at least my version.
My in laws decided to do the Easter dinner and egg hunt yesterday out of convenience. Whatev. No biggie. We met with Grandma W earlier that day to discuss the little 18 month old so emotions were already present. (He has a sad story that I'm sure anyone would get teary eyed over) By the time we got to the Aunt and Uncles house emotions had settled and we felt pretty damn good about things. I was laughing and enjoying talking with peeps.
Dinner was perfect. LTL and I sat ouside at a table with mainly kids. I think the youngest is 7 or 8 so they were a blast. The weather was a little cold so after we ate we went inside to warm up and I kid you not the first thing I heard was 'I don't know if any other parents....blah blah blah' Ok. Whatev. No biggie. I blew it off. We went to sit on the couch and LTL asked if it would bother me if he held 'the' baby. I said no I think I'm doing better with all that and I did really well for about 20 min. Then the parents came over and other people came over and 100% of the talk was about how great their child is and how wonderful it was that they caught such and such on video. They're so 'proud', they can't wait to do this and that with the baby and they bought this and can't wait till the baby is big enough to wear it.
THAT'S when I lost it. I slowly turned to LTL and whispered 'I can't take it anymore.. I have to sit somewhere else'. So I got up and left to sit by the SIL going through IF who was near my MIL. She could tell I was upset, asked if I was ok and I lost it. Had to go into another room and had a mini cry fest. (With my MIL) She was GREAT and super nice and didn't even blink when I busted out the F word. She stayed with me for a bit then after I calmed down she went and must have given LTL hint to come grab me.
I've been SOOOOO good about not having a breakdown in front of people. Especially family. I really do try to keep my feelings in check. I didn't want others to feel like they can't say things in front of me. Well I failed yesterday. I assume the other couple noticed and ya know.. I just don't care anymore. I can only take so much of that stuff. It felt like it was being thrown in my face. They know I have a hard time with all that and LTL has even told the husband. I guess what makes me more bummed is the fact that they knew and didn't care. I really don't know where to go from here. It's like now that they have the baby they're at every family function. Which fine, whatever. They should be. I guess. It just means I need to go on a social diet. Limiting my exposure to those things that are hazardous to my health and well being. I doubt LTL will have a problem with me taking a step back from things. Apparently I worried him a bit last night. He admitted that it's harder on me than it is on him. So at least he understands enough to be sympathetic.
So there's the most recent update on my sanity.. or lack thereof.
HAPPY MONDAY! haha
I hope the other did notice...a little noticing that you aren't okay may not be a bad thing. Humbling yes, but them seeing their affect on others isn't always a bad thing. I mean, it's not like you cursed them into oblivion right in front of everyone or anything as drastic as that...though I'm sure it was tempting!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad LTL is supportive and understanding for you. He's right, it is harder on you, and it's great he acknowledges that and tries (especially consulting with you before going to hold the baby). I wish I could tell you a "magic spell" to make everything better and everyone understand...but I can't. Just hang in there, if people can't be respectful then maybe limiting "socializing" might be good for you both (they might then realize they hurt you)
ReplyDeleteYou're in my prayers!
I hate that feeling, the feeling of things being thrown at you w/out any thought of your feelings. Like you and what you're going through and how you feel just don't matter to them. I'm glad your MIL was understanding, and of course LTL. Jer felt about the way he did I think. They try to be supportive but can't completely understand. I think it's a feeling of not being a 'real' woman by the world's standards, even though you're even more a woman because of what you are/have been going through. Family activities can be so awful sometimes, I hope you can get feeling better soon, even if it means going on a 'social diet', you have to do what's best for you.
ReplyDeleteugh, I am so sorry. I hate public break downs too, but we are all only human and it is bound to happen at some point. I am glad that your MIL is so supportive. Sending lots of love your way
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you had such a hard time at the Easter dinner. I know that family get-togethers can be so hard, especially when there is so much focus on babies. I am glad that your MIL was so supportive!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you had supportive people around you. Looking forward to following your adoption journey, as we are also pursuing a domestic adoption.
I so understand about not being in certain social scenes. I hate going to any family function when a new baby has arrived. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks even more when you own immediate family doesn't care about how you feel.
Hugs!