Throwing a party

A pity party to be exact. A pity party for myself. Wow I feel even more lame after typing that.

I've felt like nothing has gone right this past week or so and ironically I feel even worse for thinking that. I'm very fortunate and I lose sight of that when things start to go 'wrong'. My husband is the best I could ever ask for he puts up with me when I doubt anyone else could, my family is great and supportive, my in laws are awesome, I'm really enjoying my job and we have a roof over or head and dependable cars. Why is it so easy to lose sight of the basics?

In the past couple weeks I don't think I can even count how many times my eyes filled with tears or how many times I had that all too familiar tightening in my chest/throat. Anxiety has been in full swing and it's been bad enough at times that I wonder if I need to chat up my dr about this but then worry that the agency may think of it thus continuing a vicious cycle of worrying. Haha.

Sorry for the jumping around, I typed part of this earlier today so my train of thought shifted, obviously.

I guess I just needed an outlet today to declare to myself that I am finally acknowledging that I can't take all this. It feels like I've bitten off too much to chew. I can't keep caring so much about everything. It's eating away at me. My stomach has been in turmoil hurting every day and my sleep has suffered as I wake up every couple hours. I NEED to find a way to cope with the fact that most of my friends have kids/are having babies. I need to find a way to be around the in laws with the baby and make eye contact. I need to find a way to control my jealousy of them being able to be parents without a 3rd party checking their credentials. Even as I type this my throat feels tight. :-( so I'm gonna peace out.

I hope everyone's week is going well!


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