Pretty checked out lately

Been feeling really out of sorts lately. Not 100% sure why. Not 100% sure I want to know why. Haha.

Recap time? Sure!

So my last post was right before Mother's Day. We'd just received the paper from the RE. Since then there have been a couple 'incidents'. The RE's office called me to let me know that our paper was ready to be picked up.. WTF? We already got it. I didn't tell her that and just asked if they'd mail it to me. They did. The RE added on another diagnosis. Diminished Ovarian Reserves. I had NO idea. Realistically I'm sure I should have known but it hurt really bad finding out via a cold black and white piece of paper with tons of scribbles on it. I may or may not have cried.
A day or two later I got a text from my mother in law "call me after work". It's a text that actually pisses me off. It feels like a demand and not a request and usually I ignore it and do nothing. That day I chose to call her, from work. She was crying so hard I couldn't understand a word she was saying. After a few minutes and asking her if someone died she told me that her nephew 'MB' (the brother of the nephew that's married and has the baby born in January, ya know the one I can't bear to be around) was going to be a daddy. He was 15 at the time. He turned 16 yesterday. I assume based on the teenager's mom's reaction they are opting to parent. I know at least the boy had previously dropped out of school. I don't know about the girl. My mother in law was sobbing because it wasn't fair. She was sobbing because she knew it'd hurt for me. She texted me so I'd hear it from her instead of see it on Facebook. It's beyond unfair. I couldn't even say much back to her. I told her I was sorry. I couldn't cry about it. I still haven't.
My mind kinda feels like mush typing about it. I blame it on hormones. AF showed yesterday and I am in excruciating pain. Reminded yet again that I will never be pregnant but more than that, I'm reminded of what my obgyn said my options are with this pain. I tried flying solo without meds. Failed. Tried 3 different birth controls. Failed. The first didn't do much of anything. The second one left me with a 3 week long period which was entirely unacceptable. The third and last one gave me dagger-like pains in my abdomen daily. Don't know what that was about. It sucked and I opted to try a couple months off. I'm regretting it like no other but the other option wasn't much better. So, the next step is to visit DR.Y. The obgyn. He said my next option was surgery. I'm a bit freaked. I'm also feeling desperate. Desperate to out of pain. Desperate to not have horrific pain reminding me that my lady bits are failing me month after month. It's almost tempting to ask DR.Y to just remove the whole innerds. They're of no use to me anyway. Blah. Hormones talking. AGAIN.
Pretty sure that I am babbling to the point of not being coherent. I lack direction in this post. Did I mention that as I'm typing this I am 'watching' Juno? Big mistake. This movie brings me to tears every single time. Also, LTL isn't home. He's out at a father-son camping trip with his dad whose brother passed away last night so LTL felt it even more important to go. I hate being home alone but I"m glad he was able to go and spend time with his dad. I can't imagine losing my brother. His dad is such a great man, I hope he's doing ok. ANYWHO, I'm gong to take half a xanax to push me into dreamland. I'll leave with one of my favorite quotes from Juno,

''somebody else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation''