I don't think I ever really wanted to be preg. I think at one point I merely viewed it as a means to an end. It was only a way for me to get my family.
I never had that desire to birth a child. I never had dreams of being pregnant. Only those in which a toddler was running and playing. In my teens/early 20s I did all those things I knew I shouldn't. I partied hard and rebelled with the best of them. When I got the tattoo on my hip I remember being asked what I'd do when I got pregnant. I just laughed and asked why in the world they thought I'd ever be pregnant.
It makes me wonder if deep down I always knew my path would be adoption.
I remember talking to LTL before we got married. We talked about kids. I warned him of my family history of having trouble getting/staying preg. His response came quicker than expected. 'we'll adopt'. I fell more in love with him that night. He was willing to accept me. Faults and all.
I started this post yesterday morning as thoughts were trickling in. Never hit publish as I felt it was lacking but oh well. There it is. It's been a while since I blogged.
We're no more closer to finishing paperwork than we were before. I feel like I'm pulling teeth with LTL. There are things I can't do for him and he's just not doing them. I don't want to nag. He's busy with work and school but I'm starting to feel like I should give up hope. Just accept that we can't have biological children and stop trying to move forward with adoption. I can't do this on my own and I'm getting depressed at his lack of help/enthusiasm. I constantly wonder if he's having second thoughts. If he really wants to adopt. I don't dare ask him. Again. This week has been weird. I can't wait for next week. It'll be tons better.
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I've known people who've felt that way about being pregnant too. You're probably right that it was your subconscious preparing you for the way things are. I'm glad you're so open to adoption though, I know some who aren't, in very strange ways.
ReplyDeleteAs for the hubby, I've said it before too, they just don't seem to feel the way we do about things. They don't realize things need to get done for anything to happen (at least Jer has that issue sometimes because of his ADHD). They can't seem to understand that time is kind of important.
I hope this week has been better for you and you're able to get more done with the paperwork stuff.