My doctor wants LTL and I to make sure we are 100% sure we're ready to 'cross that bridge'. Which bridge? Oh ya know. The one where we decide that we're ok with me never ever ever carrying a child inside my uterus. My busted up uterus. The uterus that is in cahoots with 2 ovaries with minimal eggs. That uterus with lotsa scar tissue and endometriosis.
I think we came to that bridge and paid the price to the snarky troll about 2 years ago. We crossed that bridge and haven't looked back much since. We haven't had a lot of what ifs and that makes me happy. I truly believe we're on the right path.
It appears it's time to burn this bridge. Set the mother effer on fire with gasoline and a blow torch. That bitch is going bye bye. Forever. Guess this deserves an explanation.
I saw my Dr on Friday. The one that did my lap. I was in excruciating pain and spotting and that turned into a full blown period. Doc had me visit mr Wandy. Aka the dildo cam. Ok ok. I got an internal ultrasound. I've never hurt so bad. Really. It was a horrible experience. Ovaries look fine. Uterus looks ok. Doc believes that the endo is bad. Again. It's been 6 1/3 weeks since my lap. I started crying. It's too much. I can't stay in pain like this I confess to him. It's not fair to me and it's certainly not fair to LTL. We had a few weeks of great intimacy without pain and then It slowly started up again. It's been progressing until it hit hard Wednesday. LTL convinced me to call doc.
I told doc that I'm done. I can't do this anymore. The birth control isn't working. Surgery gave minimal relief and I'm done. I asked what my options are. He doesn't want to do a full hysterectomy. He'd like me to keep righty for hormone production but that's not always a good idea because the ovaries are what fuel endometriosis. BUT he said if I was his wife or daughter that's what he'd do. Leave one. Lefty has to go. That where so much of my pain is. And my ute? Well. I'm saying goodbye to her. She hasn't done me much good anyway. More of a burden. Ya know?
So there we have it. We crossed that bridge of biological kids a while ago. We chose to pursue adoption. Now we're throwing a maltov cocktail back at that bridge and we're sealing our fate and devoting it all to adoption. No more talk of a miracle baby being conceived. LTL isn't going to suddenly start producing sperm and my eggs are few and far between. I can't take the pain anymore. Emotional or physical. We're moving forward. I'm getting a partial hysterectomy.
I wish I could say I'm completely happy about it. While I know it needs to be done part of me is extremely scared. I know it'll make things different and hopefully better. I'm just scared and I'm not sure why. *sigh* I have surgery tentatively scheduled for next month.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
What an enormous decision you are faced with. I hope saying I'm sorry doesn't sound trite but I wish you didn't have to endure such pain and loss. It does sound like you feel fairly confident about your choice and that is a positive thing. If you know adoption will bring you your baby why not let go of the pain? Restore intimacy and move forward. Sending you lots of strength & love.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a huge decision. I am sad for you on one hand, but so happy that you're choosing a path that will lead to you leading a happier easier life in the long run.
ReplyDeleteSending you huge hugs!
You are one of the strongest women I know. You always have been and I have always admired your strength. I will bring you soup and movies while you are recovering. It's okay to be nervous. Big decisions alway come with nerves, even when they are the right decisions. Keep your head up=D
ReplyDeleteHoly crap chica!!! You are amazing. I think I would do the same thing. Let me know if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteANY surgery is scary, let alone one that will affect so much of you, but hopefully not TOO much since the Dr will leave the right ovary.
ReplyDeleteYou are SUPER strong, and I'm here for you whenever/whatever you need.
I'd like to see you set it on fire, that would be funny. I wonder if the Dr. has ever had that kind of request, "Yeah, uh, could you save the uterus and left ovary for me to take after the surgery? I just want to say 'goodbye' in my own way".
Wow: what a tough decision to be faced with. I am so sorry that endo has caused you so much pain (both physically and emotionally). I am happy that your decision has been made and you are looking ahead. Wishing you all the best for the new path you are taking. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDelete